We’ve all been there. You go on a string of magical dates, the spark is totally there and you just know they weren’t lying when they suggested date number four next Thursday. But, all of a sudden, a week passes and no word. Then another and another and another and you’re left wondering what exactly is going on.
Was it something you said? Did they take that work comment the wrong way? Have they come down with a rare strain of pneumonia which has prevented them from being able to use a phone? …have they died? Nope, the bad news is you’ve officially been ‘ghosted’ – a millennial term coined to describe this exact behaviour.
It’s frustrating, to say the least. Why, if someone doesn’t want to date you, can’t they have the guts to just say it instead of going MIA without so little as a squeak?
We tracked down relationship psychologist, Zoe Coetzee to ask her about the psychology of this behaviour. The below may help to answer some of your long pondered over dating dilemmas…
Why do people ‘ghost’?
Ghosting can take place for a number of reasons. Fundamentally it is a means to evade responsibility, an avoidance tactic. It is difficult to disappoint other people for everyone but for those who are not emotionally mature, they don’t want to deal with it so see cutting off all contact as an easy escape. Ghosting is the go-to, the “control alt delete” of rejection.
What’s the science behind it?
Ghosting is related to the psychological concept of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is when someone holds conflicting beliefs, and this conflict causes tension which is uncomfortable. To escape the tension, the person’s behaviour changes and this is justified by the discomfort. So in order to escape the tension between not wanting to disappoint someone but also end the romance, someone can justify their behaviour of cutting off contact.
Is it ever the other person’s fault?
In a ghosting situation, the fault can be difficult to assign and someone who has been ghosted can go round in circles trying to work out what has happened, why and whose fault it is. If you have been left without reason or rationale, it is not your fault. Possibly putting too much pressure on a situation to develop can be off-putting to the other person, but jumping ship with no decent goodbye or explanation, is poor form from them. Yes, it can be a withdrawal and avoidance coping tactic. Yes, it can be because the person feels ashamed of themselves. Yes, it can be because they have poor communications skills or low self-esteem. But it is not your fault. When you are seeing someone, and both expressing a consensual interest, the decent thing to do is say goodbye, before moving on. Even in today’s modern world where social media can make relationships seem disposable, there is no excuse for poor manners. You can assign blame firmly on their shoulders.
What do you do if you are ghosted?
Recovering from being ghosted can be tough because there is no opportunity for closure, and it also stimulates a person’s deep fear of abandonment. But there are a few things you can do if you have been in the unfortunate position of being on the wrong end of it…
Do not chase them or continue to contact them. This will only further degrade your self-esteem and probably push them further away and justify the situation to the ‘ghost’. If you feel it is important for you, compose one message, not emotive, politely saying that you had a good time, thank you and goodbye. This empowers you as you are saying goodbye and walking away with your head held high. If they come back to you a few months later, do not give them a second chance – they’ve shown their true colours. Delete their contact details from your phonebook and across social media platforms, and this also mean no Facebook stalking.
Surround yourself with people who love you. Hang with your besties, plan a fun trip, do some new and interesting activities. Remind yourself that you are a valuable, desirable and confident person. Remember it was a lucky escape, a ghost will never make marriage material.
Going the distance? Here are 6 golden rules for making it work, even if you’re on opposites sides of the world. Relationships can be a minefield! Here are 15 things we wish they taught you in love school.
