A playful rivalry is one thing. But if you’ve got a competitive friend who’s seemingly determined to outshine you or bring you down…that sounds more like a secret hater than a companion.
Of course, not every moment of comparison or jealousy is an immediate red flag, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counselor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at the Northern Illinois University College of Education, tells SELF. “Competitiveness doesn’t always come from a malicious place or a desire to ‘be better,’” Dr. Degges-White says. In certain cases, it’s rooted in personal insecurity rather than ill intentions: “It’s not so much that they want to best their bestie, but more that they’re trying to prove themselves capable.”
No matter what’s driving someone’s competitive streak, however, an exhausting game of “who’s better” has no place in a healthy friendship. Most of us are looking for a support system that lifts us up, not one that treats our wins like a personal threat. The signs of a competitive friend are often subtle, Dr. Degges-White points out, which can make it easy to second-guess whether you’re overthinking…or truly dealing with a frenemy preying on your downfall. Luckily, familiarizing yourself with the red flags below can help.
1. They downplay your successes.
You score a sick new apartment. You get accepted into that competitive program. Any truly supportive pal will be cheering for you when you’re happy, Layne Baker, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—which is why a person who consistently shrugs off your wins or never lets you have your moment may be intimidated by your good news.
Take an impressive career move, for instance: Instead of congratulating you, a scorekeeping friend might respond with, “Well, it’s just a job.” You’re finally in a healthy relationship? “It’s still early, though.” Basically, “If they’re never mirroring your excitement, or they’re downplaying something that feels like a milestone to you, that’s definitely worth paying attention to,” Baker says, since it may signal that your success makes them uncomfortable or threatened.
2. Their “compliments” always feel passive-aggressive or backhanded.
Competitiveness doesn’t always sound as obvious as “I’m better than you.” Even if a person says they’re happy for you, they might secretly be sizing you up by wrapping their judgment in passive-aggressive “compliments.” For example: “Wow, you’re wearing that to the birthday dinner? I could never be that bold,” or “I mean, he’s really not my type physically…. But good for you.”
When someone doesn’t want to be obvious about their jealousy, Dr. Degges-White says these backhanded jabs can be a sneaky way of keeping you feeling small so you don’t outshine them. A real friend, on the other hand, will hype you up in a way that undoubtedly feels good—without making you wonder whether you’re falling short of their “standards.”
3. They one-up you all the time.
No matter what’s going on in your life, a competitive friend will find a way to turn the spotlight back on themselves. Maybe you tell them you’re training for a marathon, and they’re quick to point out that they already ran one two years ago—and barely even trained. Or you’re venting about how exhausted you are after a long day; well, they worked way more hours than you and got much less sleep because of their demanding job. These annoying responses, Baker says, often stem from a need to dim your light so theirs can shine brighter.
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That said, there’s a difference between someone sharing their own similar experience as a means to bond or relate to you and bringing it up only to “prove” they’ve done it bigger or better. How do you tell the difference? According to Baker, “If they’re genuinely excited for you and just trying to connect, they’ll typically still acknowledge what you’ve said”—for instance, “Wow, that’s so exciting!” or “Ugh, that sounds frustrating”—before getting into their story. “The red flag is when they just jump straight into talking about their experience, as if you haven’t said anything at all” she explains.
4. They copy your every move.
Whatever you’re into, suddenly they have to be too (except they have to be better, of course). If you mention that your next big goal in life is going to graduate school, next thing you know they’re all about applying as well (even though they never cared until you brought it up). You take up a new hobby (like running, say, or pickleball) and now they’re into that too.
In these cases, it’s not about shared interests or feelings of inspiration (since, yes, friends naturally influence each other). It’s like they’re following your lead only because it’s something you’re pursuing—and then using you as a measuring stick to see if they’re ahead or behind. And this fixation with coming out on top goes beyond run-of-the-mill comparisons, Baker says, and enters more toxic territory.
5. They try to sabotage you or make you look bad.
Competitive behaviors are often “a byproduct of jealousy or envy,” according to Dr. Degges-White: “When we see someone achieving something we aspire to, it may trigger our own insecurities.”
In some situations, that jealousy might drive a competitive friend to purposely exclude you or “forget” to invite you to group plans if they’re worried you’ll get more attention than they will. Essentially, it’s an attempt to stay in control of how they’re perceived by others in comparison to you. “They might even try to actively sabotage your success,” she adds—like discouraging you from accepting your dream job if they feel stuck in their own career or pushing you to break up with your partner over a minor disagreement, especially if they’re single and quietly envious of your romantic success.
How to deal with jealous, competitive friends
According to both therapists, you don’t have to automatically cut them off. However, reflecting on a few things can help you figure out the best decision for your particular friendship.
For starters, consider if any of the warning signs above are anomalies or part of a more consistent pattern. “If spending time with this person leaves you burnt out, exhausts your energy, or you’re constantly fearing how their competitive behavior is going to show up,” Baker says these can also be indicators that this dynamic isn’t good for your well-being.
It’s also worth paying attention to how they react when you do bring up your concerns. Don’t match their petty behavior or hit them with, “You’re jealous of me, aren’t you???” Instead, both experts recommend opening the conversation with a more empathetic “I” statement such as, “Sometimes, I feel like our friendship is more about head-to-head competition than mutual support. Do you ever feel that way too?”
How they respond can reveal a lot about whether their toxic behavior can be changed, whether they take responsibility and truly listen to you, or once again downplay your emotions. After all, a true pal should be all about growing and winning together—and there’s no place for an ugly rivalry when you’re supposed to be on the same team.
Original article appeared on SELF
