Your questions answered by the sex-positive pros.
For most millennials, the words ‘sex education’ probably conjure up images of clinical vulva diagrams, scaremongering STI leaflets, entirely heteronormative textbooks and absolutely tons of bananas encased in condoms.
Basically, you know that bit in Mean Girls when the PE teacher tells the class that if they have sex they’ll get pregnant and die? Yeah, it was a bit like that.
So really, it’s no wonder that the subject of sexual health can still leave us feeling confused, anxious, disillusioned and like we’re the only person on the planet thinking or feeling the way we do. But sex education should never be harmful, isolating or shameful. In fact, it should be the exact opposite; it should be inclusive, educational and celebratory. Oh, and fun. Because guys, breaking news: sex should be FUN.
That’s why we wanted to create a safe space for shame-free sex chat – an event demystifying our sexual wellbeing, where everyone’s questions are welcome and valid and answered with total clarity. And no bananas in sight.
So we teamed up with the best (s)experts in the bizz to host an evening on all things re-sex education. As part of our GLAMOUR x Boots Virtual Wellness Festival, the event was presented by activist and co-founder of the feminist group 'The Pink Protest', Grace Campbell, who spoke to a whole host of sex-positive pros from the sexual wellness industry.
There was Farah Kabir and Sarah Welsh, founders of sexual wellness brand HANX; Billie Quinlan, co-founder of the Ferly app all about mindful sex and sexual self-care; and Alice Pelton, founder of The Lowdown.
Over the course of the evening, they answered your questions on everything from methods of contraception and orgasm-pressure to STIs, porn and kink-consent. Absolutely no topic was off limits.
Here are the questions on sexual wellbeing covered in the event, answered by the people in the know...
Q: What is sexual wellness?
A: “Your sexual wellness is such a holistic thing and it encompasses so many parts of your overall wellbeing; it includes your physical, emotional psychological health,” explains Sarah. “There’s so many things that make up your sexual wellness – relationships, consent, pleasure – but normally we only think it means topics like sexual health and STIs; it has quite a negative connotation, but actually, sex is fun and great and we should celebrate it.”
Billie also adds that, until recently, female pleasure hadn’t been part of the conversation on sexual wellness and that is, finally, starting to change. “Our sex education hasn't been around pleasure or masturbation, it’s mostly been around reproduction, and that’s mad because we have sex for pleasure more than we have sex to make a baby! And masturbation is a crucial part of understanding ourselves, connecting with our bodies and becoming self-aware, but we don’t encourage our young women to do that. Yes, we’re starting to talk about it more and it can feel like we’ve made a lot of progress, but there’s still so much work to do and many people who still feel uncomfortable talking about this.
“But the good news is that RSE – which is our relationships and sex education system in the UK – has now introduced pleasure into the curriculum, which is incredible.”
Q: Why is there such a need to open up the conversation on contraception?
A: Everyone reacts differently to different types of contraception, and while many women can use the Pill (and its many different varieties) with no problems, this wasn't the case for Alice. "I really didn't get on with the hormones,” she explains. “I just basically would cry all the time about stupid things – but then I came off the Pill and stopped crying the whole time, and realised it must’ve been the Pill.
“So I’m just very pro women understanding all about contraception; the good, the bad and also experimenting with different types, because most women use it for 30 years, so it’s important you make sure what you're using is right for you and works for you.”
Q: Is it true the vagina gets drier with age, and is there a way to increase wetness without lube?
A: “From a medical point of view, there’s loads of things that can cause vaginal dryness,” says Sarah. “So if you’re worried about anything, or things have changed in a way that’s abnormal for you, then best to get it checked out. Naturally, hormones have an influence on our vaginal secretions, so if you’re taking any sort of hormonal therapy or if you’re post-menopausal after your periods have stopped, then yes, that’s why we associate vaginal dryness with the menopause in your 50s and 60s. But actually, there’s so many things that can have an impact on natural lubrication – if you’re stressed, for example – and it doesn’t mean you’re not aroused.
All experts agree that there’s a massive stigma around using lube, but that there really shouldn’t be. “Everyone should use lube, but there’s still so many taboos around it,” says Sarah.
“For me personally, when I started lube it completely changed my life – in sex and in masturbation – so why don’t we talk about it?” adds Grace. “There is nothing to be ashamed of, lube is the best!”
Q: Is it OK to ask your new partner if they've been tested for STIs, and if they haven't, can you ask them to get tested before sleeping with them?
A: “Absolutely, yes, yes, yes, yes!” says Grace. “Although, some men will often shame you for even asking that, and then make you feel worse for asking that question even though you're just looking after your sexual health.”
“Don’t feel embarrassed; it’s your health at the end of the day, and that should come first,” says Sarah. “If they don’t respect that, then they obviously don’t respect you and they’re not worth it.”
“Plus, it’s so easy to get checked now, you can get tests sent to you in the post,” adds Farah. “Especially in the Covid-19 world, you can get it delivered to your door and you can both get tested and have a testing party! There are so many ways to do it without it being awkward.”
Billie also makes a great point: “If a man pressurises you to remove a condom and you don't feel comfortable with that because you're not sure if they’ve been tested, it is also absolutely OK to say ‘no’ and stop sex.”
Q: I recently discovered that I have anorgasmia (a person who can’t achieve orgasm). I'm in my late 20s. I've spoken to my doctor and they recommended a sexual health clinic which I've been avoiding because of Covid-19. Any advice?
A: “Firstly, anorgasmia is a recognised thing affecting a lot of people, so know that you’re not alone,” says Sarah. “There is a lot of support and resources out there. I think talking to someone would be a good start. So if you’re not wanting to go to a sexual health clinic [though be aware that it is safe to do so as they have safety measures in place], we’ve worked with Kate Moyle who is a psychosexual therapist. She’s incredible and she’ll be able to point you in the right direction, so I’d check her out as a starter. But it’s definitely treatable and definitely manageable.”
Kate Moyle is actually Ferly’s leading psychosexual therapist and advisor, says Billie. “The Ferly app is like a psychosexual therapy tool if you can’t afford to go and see a therapist or that option is inaccessible for you. It guides you on a journey to explore your sexuality and overcome those very common sexual difficulties, so give that a go.”
Billie also adds that removing the pressure of orgasm can make sex far more pleasurable. “We put a lot of pressure on orgasm as a society, we always think the end goal is orgasm,” she says. “And yes, it would be great if we could all achieve that, but we can also experience pleasure in so many other ways, and removing the pressure of reaching climax can actually help us eventually get there.”
Q: Do you think the rise in BDSM [bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism] acts during sex has been caused by porn? There seems to be a lack of proper consent when guys want to try more kinky things in the bedroom it seems to be becoming more common.
A: “I definitely think there is a correlation,” says Grace. “Choking, for me, was very common when I started having sex, and I didn't feel there was any conversation of consent around that. I felt it was because people had been watching a certain type of porn so they thought that was really normal. But we do need to ask for consent, and we need to have a bigger conversation around consent with BDSM and different types of kinks.”
Billie agrees: “For those who enjoy BDSM, consent is actually a foundational pillar of the BDSM practice. Porn is a big source of where we’re getting our information from and it's normalising more extreme, risky sexual behaviour without giving an understanding of how to do it safely. So it’s about having a conversation about what sexual acts you’re both into, what you’d like to explore together, otherwise you’re well within your rights to pull back and reinstate your boundaries. It doesn’t make you a prude, it doesn’t make you less sexual, you’re just finding out what your boundaries are and having a consensual experience.”
Q: What’s the best platform to get good, more ethical porn?
A: "Make Love Not Porn is a social sex site where you can watch real sex from real people,” says Billie. “At Ferly we also do audio erotica, if you’re looking for something less visual and more audio to stimulate you. Erika Lust does feminist visual porn as well which you can pay a subscription for, though there is some controversy around that so just explore it properly to see if it’s right for you."
This originally appeared on GLAMOUR UK | Ali Pantony
