After a gut-wrenching breakup, one of the biggest questions you might be left with is, Why? Why did they suddenly lose feelings? Why don’t they want to try to work things out? It can feel like you need answers in order to get “closure”—so you can move on and be okay again.
In the midst of so much pain, confusion, and sadness, it’s natural to crave clarification and validation from the person responsible for your broken heart, Terri Orbuch, PhD, a sociology professor at Oakland University and the author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship, tells SELF. “As human beings, we want answers to all of our questions in situations that don’t make sense,” Dr. Orbuch says. “So, we often assume that closure is necessary to resolve that curiosity and obsession once and for all.”
However, it really isn’t; you don’t actually need one last conversation or a detailed explanation to heal, and relying on someone else for that resolution is unhelpful for a few reasons. First, there usually isn’t a “right” or “perfect” answer to a question as complicated as, “Why did the relationship end?” Perhaps, like you, your ex isn’t sure when, why, or how everything went wrong, Dr. Orbuch says, or what specifically caused them to fall out of love. Remember, breakups are rarely straightforward, so the satisfying response you think you “need” to leave the past behind may not even exist.
But let’s say you are able to get a clear-cut answer like, “I need to focus on myself!” or “I’ve met someone else.” Even then, your heartbreak won’t suddenly become any easier to bear, Dr. Orbuch says. “Although a lot of people assume that closure will allow them to deal with the breakup better, it doesn’t help you cope with the pain and rejection,” she explains. Using the previous examples, you’ll still likely feel insecure, unwanted, and upset after learning that your ex chose to prioritize their own growth or explore other options. Simply put, an explanation alone won’t magically heal the emotional wounds of losing someone you love.
Most importantly though, depending on another person for your happiness (and giving them power over how and when you move on) will only delay your recovery process, according to Dr. Orbuch. Perhaps your ex doesn’t want to talk to you again, if seeing your face stirs up painful emotions they’d rather avoid. Or maybe they just have no interest in revisiting the past.
As tough as it is, no one (not even a significant other you dated for years) is obligated to provide the apology you’re hoping for. And again, even if they willingly give it, that won’t take your pain away—which is why you’re better off trying to find closure within yourself. “Your perception of why it ended is what is most important,” Dr. Orbuch reminds. So rather than waiting on your ex to tie the relationship up in a bow, she suggests examining the partnership more holistically and thinking about why, exactly, things didn’t work out.
“I wouldn’t recommend making a list of your ex’s faults, because that can lead to ruminating and get you stuck in a cycle of anger and frustration,” she says. Instead, you can start by reflecting (maybe in a journal) on why you, as a couple, weren’t compatible. Perhaps you had totally opposite communication styles (you’re reserved; they’re confrontational) or you wanted lots of children and they didn’t. Getting clear on the reason(s) you’re no longer together can help you realize (and accept) that you might not have been each other’s perfect match after all, Dr. Orbuch says.
Of course, facing this reality isn’t easy. It’ll probably take a lot of time, self-reflection, and tears to fully process a bad breakup. But ultimately, the only person who can offer that comforting, peaceful sense of closure you’re looking for is you.
Original article appeared on SELF
