Pic: Pixabay
This is what your guy is thinking the day he discovers your vibrator, says Eric Sullivan. And (hopefully) what happens when they become better acquainted.
While putting away clean socks one day, I found my girlfriend's vibrator. At first, I thought it was an oversized tube of lipstick that for some reason required C batteries. When I finally understood what I was holding, I grimaced and dropped the cerise torpedo like it was plutonium. Then I did what an irrationally aggrieved man would do: I calmly accused her of cheating on me with a piece of silicone.
She assured me that, no, that wasn't the case. The same way that I had YouPorn for when she wasn't around, she had a buzzing plastic dong for when I wasn't around. But then she said something that scared me even more than finding a faux cock among the gym socks: why not get a vibrator and make it our vibrator?
It wasn't that the services a man provides with his tongue, fingers and Big Lebowski fall short, she explained. Just that toys ratchet up the intensity - like Tabasco, but for sex. I conceded the point because I like sex, and I figured that shaking things up wasn't the worst idea for a couple. Bedroom romps can turn into bedroom routine quickly in a long-term relationship.
After making my peace with bringing a piece to bed, the next hurdle was finding the right one. We paid a visit to New York's Babeland, which is like Sainsbury's for boning. I quickly realised that I didn't want any big bratwurst-shaped vibrator that would make me feel prepubescent. Thankfully, what was once a sea of shoddily made 'personal massagers' peddled in the back pages of newspapers had become an industry highlighted by beautifully crafted and, hell, elegant technology. Everything is rounded and soft-touch. We're living in an era of freaky-naughty paraphernalia. My girlfriend and I chose the Jimmyjane Form 3, which looks like an ergonomic silicone computer mouse.
At home, we didn't waste much time, giving the Form 3 a quick wash, then getting down to business. After some eager foreplay, I hit it with some lube (worth it) and powered up. The unexpectedly loud, relentless hum of its vibration spooked us both, as if a flatmate had walked in. I manoeuvred the Form 3 between our nether regions, which was a little awkward at first as I tried to intuit how to position it best. Then I did something crazy: I asked her what felt good. Communication!
Once we settled into a groove, I realised that something new was happening. You know how when a woman nears orgasm, her whole body coils up, ready to explode? I've chased that moment my whole sexually active adult life, and the Form 3 brought my girlfriend there in what seemed like seconds. I felt unstoppable, like Mo Farah the day he stormed to his second Olympic gold. Her getting off had me going nuts.
That first time with the vibrator wasn't just some of the best sex we'd ever had; it was some of the best I'd ever had.
It took some persuading, but once I let a toy into the bedroom, I realised that this isn't a menage a trois. I'm not being replaced or rendered obsolete. I'm still fronting this band, the toy is just my occasional hype man.
