Taking a break in a relationship might seem like a low-risk way to step back without making any permanent decisions. But the gray area of being neither fully together nor actually broken up can invite all sorts of complications—confusion, jealousy, and messy misunderstandings that end up adding unnecessary drama to the mix.
There’s no shortage of pop culture references showcasing how badly an unceremonious pause can go (cough, Ross and Rachel). But according to Kongit Farrell, LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of the Inspired Journey Counseling Center in Los Angeles, a relationship break, when done right, can actually offer a few real benefits. For one, “stepping away can give some people distance and the opportunity to gain clarity about the relationship’s value and direction,” Farrell tells SELF—like when you’re running into circular arguments or familiar hiccups that leave you questioning its long-term potential. Also, softly exploring what it’s like to not be together (without fully calling it quits) can be just what you need to assess whether a permanent separation feels right.
“It can also be a chance to reconnect with your personal identity and individual priorities that may have taken a backseat in the relationship,” Farrell adds. Whether it’s boosting your self-esteem without relying on your SO for validation or finally getting back into solo traveling that you couldn’t do because of your partner’s hectic schedule, time apart can help you better understand who you are—and what you want, both in love and in life.
That said, it’s important to know that “a break itself is not some magic fix,” Liz Higgins, LMFT, licensed therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas, tells SELF. In other words, not talking to each other for a bit won’t suddenly resolve deeper problems like poor communication, jealousy, or trust issues. “The benefits you’ll reap depend on the work you do while you’re apart,” Higgins explains.
So, the real trick to making a temporary reset meaningful—and not just a stepping stone to a real breakup? Knowing how to do it. Below, we’ve outlined a few expert tips to help you get it right.
1. Maybe don’t call it a “break” at all.
The word “break” tends to carry a lot of baggage, often coming across as a polite way of delaying the inevitable. That’s why, if you’re considering one with your partner, it might be more constructive (and less daunting) to reframe it as “taking space” instead.
The difference may seem subtle, but according to Higgins, it’s pretty powerful. “The language you use matters in helping you approach the situation with more clarity,” she explains. “And taking a break in a relationship can imply something is fundamentally broken or disjointed, which might make it feel more final and negative than it actually is.” Space, on the other hand, sounds a lot more neutral: It signals that you’re intentionally giving each other room to breathe and reflect—something that even the healthiest of couples need occasionally.
2. Consider the goals of your temporary reset early on.
Basically, why do you even want to take a break in the first place? Are you trying to figure out if you can forgive your SO for emotionally cheating? Do you need space to work through personal challenges, like deep-seated insecurities or an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, without the added responsibilities of a partnership? Or maybe you’ve both been feeling disconnected lately, so you’re hoping that a little time apart will help you reconnect—or confirm you’re better off going your separate ways.
Being clear about your goals from the start can give your break more direction, structure, and purpose beyond delaying a breakup, says Higgins. Without that intention, you might end up spending the whole time…waiting for the other person to text you back.
3. Decide how long the break will last upfront.
According to Farrell, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for how long a relationship break should be. For some, a few days are enough to gain perspective while others may need weeks or even months. What’s important is having an end date. “Otherwise, the break may extend indefinitely, which is more indicative of avoidance rather than a genuine attempt to strengthen or reevaluate the relationship,” Farrell says.
The good news is, you’re free to adjust the timeline of your temporary separation if needed—simply chat with your partner ahead of time about how you'll touch base about potential changes. On that note…
4. Establish a few ground rules before you hit pause.
Are you going to stay exclusive or hook up with other people? Will you check in occasionally or go maintain radio silence for the entire month? Too often, someone impulsively declares a break without addressing the details, which “results in confusion, misunderstandings, resentment, and hurt feelings,” Farrell explains. That’s why both therapists suggest establishing clear expectations beforehand to avoid messy, dramatic surprises down the line.
The parameters will depend on you and your SO. For example, couples looking to strengthen their communication skills might agree on weekly 10-minute calls, just to see if the break needs to be extended or shortened—no small talk or life updates. While for others struggling with codependency, a strict “no contact” rule throughout the hiatus may be needed to grow independently.
5. Make the most out of your time apart.
In other words, don’t just fill the void with distractions like mindlessly swiping through dating apps, overloading your schedule to avoid being alone, or sneakily texting your partner “IMY” late at night. These habits might soothe the initial discomfort of being without your special someone, but they also prevent you from sitting with your feelings and reflecting on what you really need.
Instead, remember the goal you had in mind—and brainstorm some steps to help achieve it. Journaling about the highs and lows of your dynamic could be a great way to step back and ID any recurring patterns (like arguments that keep circling the same issues). You could also use this time to engage in activities that boost your confidence—join a pilates class you’ve been itching to try, or rekindle those friendships that you neglected during your codependent moments. Basically, the more you use this space to reconnect with your needs, goals, and values, the better positioned you’ll be to decide what comes next.
6. Ease back into your reunion with honesty.
Once the break is over, it’s time to reflect on what you’ve learned and how you’re feeling now—and be open about these breakthroughs with your partner. Maybe you handled the fallout of a recent personal tragedy, and now you’re ready to process everything together. Or perhaps your long-term goals are clearer, and you’re realizing they may no longer align with your SO’s. Whatever the case, discussing these insights post-break is essential to make sure you’re on the same page about moving forward—rather than assuming what each of you wants.
From there, it’s about deciding what comes next. This temporary reset might reveal the unfortunate but very real possibility that parting ways for good is the healthiest option. A little distance made it clear that, no, you can’t overlook cheating, for instance, or that being with someone who wants to start a family is a nonnegotiable you can’t compromise on.
On the flip side, maybe time apart really did make the heart grow fonder, and you’re ready to try again. If that’s the case, Higgins says it’s important to maintain honest, transparent communication rather than pretending nothing happened. So don’t shy away from voicing any lingering doubts that require extra reassurance or setting new expectations moving forward (more physical affection, less passive-aggressiveness). That way, your break serves its purpose—helping you gain clarity rather than leaving you in a haze of uncertainty and awkward tension.
Original article appeared on SELF US
