As fun or relaxing as a friends’ trip might sound, traveling together has a funny way of testing your patience—and frankly, exposing every little crack in the relationship.
In theory, packing your bags and venturing somewhere new should be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your bond with new inside jokes and memories. But even if you enjoy someone’s company for a few hours each weekend, an extended getaway with that same person could easily translate into disaster for a few reasons, Kimberly Horn, EdD, MSW, psychologist and author of Friends Matter, for Life: Harnessing the 8 Tenets of Dynamic Friendship, tells SELF. For one, “travel disrupts our regular routines, and we’re limited in our personal space,” which can amplify those “little quirks” (chronic lateness, nonstop phone use, incessant nagging) you didn’t mind before. Not to mention, what starts as a new, exciting environment can quickly turn into a pressure cooker thanks to that nonstop togetherness, which can cause unspoken tensions to bubble into full-blown resentment.
Without the proper precautions, you might wind up needing a vacation from your vacation (and from the folks who joined you) by the time it’s over—defeating the very purpose of your trip. What often separates an experience filled with unforgettable memories from a White Lotus meltdown, however, comes down to one thing, experts say: setting the right expectations during and throughout your excursion. That way, you don’t return home with fewer friends than you started with.
1. Figure out your “travel style” early on.
Everyone has their own way of traveling. Some people thrive on jam-packed schedules filled with museums, tours, and nonstop activities. Others see vacation as a rare chance to relax and do nothing. According to Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, discussing these expectations before you board the plane is key for avoiding tension, resentment, and disappointment.
So a few things to ask yourself (and your pals) include: Do you prefer clubbing and exploring nightlife, or keeping it more low-key and wholesome? Are you the type to wake up at sunrise with a busy day ahead of you or to wander without a plan? And, if your styles differ significantly, would you be down to meet in the middle…or do your own things separately?
And then there’s budget, because nothing derails a friends’ trip faster than mismatched financial habits. Whatever the topic (accommodations, dinner spots, guided tours, or spa days, for instance), “these conversations need to happen on the front end,” Dr. Bradford says, especially if anyone has strong preferences around where to stay or what to do. “Some people just want a place to store their stuff. Other people are like, ‘I’m not doing anything below four stars.’”
2. Pick one “must-do” activity each.
A group trip likely won’t include everything everyone wants, but that’s okay—as long as you have a little compromise. “Have every person name one thing they really want to do,” Dr. Horn suggests, like a specific museum, a scenic hiking trail, or one night of clubbing until 3 a.m. This way, you all get at least one experience you were looking forward to—and, worst case, those who aren’t interested have a built-in opportunity for some alone time, which brings us to our next tip.
3. Don’t be afraid to set micro boundaries.
Getting much-needed space is near-impossible when you’re cramped in a tiny hotel room or doing every activity together…which is why Dr. Horn is all for setting “micro boundaries.”
If you’re sharing a bed and can’t exactly hide, for example, setting a gentle limit could sound like, “I’m going to pop in earbuds for the next hour,” so you can pause the yapping and scroll through TikTok in peace. Other creative ways to snag solo time include bowing out of an activity you’re not too keen on as an excuse to catch a break, as we mentioned above; going for a morning walk if you’re the only early riser in the crew; or sneaking in some pockets of solitude while others are napping.
4. Leave room in the itinerary for pure…nothing.
Even with your absolute favorite person, being together 24/7 (especially with little sleep) can make you irritated. “That’s where the tension may start to occur when we don’t give enough downtime and flexibility,” Dr. Horn explains.
So just like you’d squeeze sightseeing or shopping into your calendar, make sure to leave some space for nothing too—whether that’s a couple of free hours before dinner, a slow morning with no breakfast reservations, or even one night without a set post-dinner agenda.
5. Absolutely don’t “vent” about others in the group.
When someone’s constantly whining or running late, it’s tempting to turn to your other pal and say, “Can you believe they did X?” or “Isn’t it so annoying that Y?”
While venting can be momentarily cathartic, a joint trip is definitely not the time or place for shit-talking, Dr Bradford says. All it does is stir up more drama and increase tension, which is why it’s so much more helpful to pause first and ask yourself, Does something need to be said right now? “Because sometimes, we can get into a habit of nitpicking when we’re kind of annoyed, and it can be easy to fall into that trap,” Dr. Bradford explains. For instance, sure, it’s frustrating that your friend took forever to get ready and now you’re 20 minutes behind schedule—but is it worth ruminating or blowing it up into a bigger issue, or is it just a fleeting inconvenience?
Once you’ve had a few minutes to think it over, go talk to the person who’s bugging you—but do so privately and directly, Dr. Bradford suggests. (In other words, don’t air your grievances at a group dinner for five.) An “I” statement like “Hey, I wanted to let you know that this thing bothered me” or “I really need a few minutes alone, but I can do XYZ after” is an honest but respectful way to get the conversation going without the passive aggressiveness or full-blown fallout.
6. Finish the trip strong with a little gratitude.
A quick “I had so much fun with you all” or “This was amazing, and I’m so wiped out!” should end things on a high note and leave everyone with positive vibes. While there may have been a few low points along the way, “it’s special to be able to share that amount of time with people you love and care about,” Dr. Horn points out. “So it’s important to express your gratitude and thank them for the experience.”
And even if it wasn’t the transformative bonding moment you envisioned, know that just because you don’t travel well together doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship’s over. “Some people make for amazing lunch dates but not amazing roommates…or travel companions for a weekend getaway,” Dr. Horn adds. But in the case that your vacation brings out deeper issues (like clashing values or character flaws such as disrespect and controlling behaviors), then it may be worth reevaluating the friendship, Dr. Bradford says—or at the very least, taking space.
The good news, though, is that if you’re reading this article, you’re already on track to dodge White Lotus–level drama. So keep these tips in mind, and you’ll likely walk away with heartwarming memories that bring you closer instead of tearing you apart.
Originally published on Self US
