We don’t want to admit this, but we all have a history of comparing our success to that of our friends. But this is a fool’s errand—I am a freelance writer and, for whatever reason, many of my friends are lawyers and consultants. They’re busy climbing the corporate ladder while I’m over here writing my little stories at home.
Despite knowing better, I’ve fallen into a terrible trap where I often look at their milestones—promotions, job titles, pay raises—and then at my own trajectory and think, Why the hell aren’t I getting those things? I then arrive at the awful conclusion that it’s because I’m not doing as well as they are. As you can imagine, this has been not-great for my self-esteem.
According to Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend The Mind in New York, we all—at some point, in some way—compare ourselves to others. “It’s built into our DNA,” she tells SELF. “We are concerned about how the world sees us.” We look to others—their jobs, family life, vacations—as a measure or guide of how we’re getting along. While that’s not inherently a bad thing, research shows, doing so often triggers shame, envy, and resentment—especially if you’re on social media where everything is distorted and everyone appears to be killing it.
If you constantly weigh your worth and question your progress, stick with me. I worked with my therapist to put this bad habit to rest and can finally say it’s possible to stop unnecessarily beating yourself up. Below, Dr. Hafeez shares three simple tricks—alongside some of my own insights—that’ll help you stop glamorizing other people’s lives and be more grateful for what you’ve got going on.
Reflect on what comparison makes you feel.
Before you can change how comparison affects you, it helps to understand what you’re actually feeling. Dr. Hafeez recommends getting familiar with the emotions and thoughts that surface when you compare your success to others’. The answer might seem obvious—uh, I’m just jealous!—but digging deeper could uncover frustration, shame, inferiority, or other surprising reactions. Identifying these feelings—and accepting them without judgment—is often the first step in processing them in a healthier way. Research even shows that naming your emotions (a technique called affect labeling) can reduce their intensity and make them easier to manage.
Once you know what you’re feeling, Dr. Hafeez recommends asking yourself why. You might assume you’re envious of a friend’s achievements, but the real issue could be insecurity with your own trajectory or pressure from family expectations. Maybe you grew up hearing an older sibling beat themselves up about falling behind, and that mindset stuck with you. Or perhaps you’re burnt out, unfulfilled, or worried you’re not on the “right” path. According to Dr. Hafeez, comparison often isn’t really about other people—it’s about how satisfied (or unsatisfied) you are with your own life. “Other people just hold up a mirror,” she says.
Of course, not every comparison is a deep emotional wound. Sometimes, you simply know what you want and feel impatient watching others get there first. If that’s the case, this step might not need much of your time—just a quick check-in before moving on to the next tip.
Take note of your own successes.
A huge issue I have when I get sucked into the self-comparison vortex is that I completely overlook my own achievements—a self-sabotaging practice that causes me to think I’m behind in life. But the truth is that I have grown and advanced my career, even if my path has looked wildly different from my friends’ journeys. This brings us to Dr. Hafeez’s second tip: Think about the good you might be dismissing when you evaluate other people’s accolades. “You may not have what others have, but you have other things,” says Dr. Hafeez.
To do this, you might have to redefine or expand what success even means to you. If you’re constantly using someone else’s rubric to measure your journey, there’s a solid chance you're using a definition of success that doesn’t fully apply to your own life. Take me: While I was hung up on my friends’ promos—something I can’t even get in my line of work!—I completely failed to appreciate how I hustled to set up a freelancing business, increase my rates, and secure bylines for big-name magazines. I also set professional boundaries to avoid burnout. There are other things I love about my life that have nothing to do with my profession—but I’ll stop here because I don’t want you to do with me what I do with other people!
The point is it’s absolutely crucial to look at the wins in your life—and allow yourself to see that success can come in many different shapes and sizes—because it’s so easy to fixate on the positives in other people’s lives, neglect your own, and become convinced your life is a dumpster fire.
Map out your goals and take action.
Finally, using the insights you gathered above, vision board what you want to come next. As Dr. Hafeez told me, “Fixing the problem is the best thing to come out of reflection.” Coming up with solutions and pursuing them can alleviate feelings of anxiety and poor self-esteem, research shows. Better yet: This task takes your focus off other people and puts it back on yourself, says Dr. Hafeez. So ask yourself: “What do I care about? What do I want in life that I don’t currently have?” Then list out the specific steps you need to take in order to inch toward those goals.
If I really think about it, I don’t even really want a promotion or a new job title—you know, the things my friends have that make me feel like I’m floundering over here. I want to write for a couple new magazines this year and actually finish a draft of the novel I’ve been working on. Boosting my rates would be nice too. Those are the main goals that I mapped out for myself that align with my values, hopes, and dreams—not someone else’s. Maybe for you, that’s taking a course in a new field or kickstarting that dog-walking business. Or perhaps it’s just finally letting yourself rest after pushing yourself for years before you figure out your next step.
It’s okay—great, even—if your journey and achievements look different than everyone else’s or you want to strive for more. Success, or at least the idea of what constitutes it, comes in many different flavors. It’s easy to get stuck thinking the grass is always greener on the other side, but don’t forget to look at and tend to the little garden you’ve got growing in your corner too.
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