“Nearly one in two French people consider friendship to be essential to their personal balance ,” recalls a survey conducted by the Ipsos polling institute . This fraternal need is an essential keystone to the balance of life of any individual, “ nothing replaces the warmth of a group of friends ” as Amin Maalouf points out in Les Désorientés (2012). Nevertheless, even the most fusional souls sometimes encounter some friction, which can permanently tarnish the relationship . In order to preserve these founding friendships, here are some tips for calming down arguments and expressing disagreements calmly.
How to express disagreement in a friendship without ruining it?
Politics, values, scoops, rumors… Everything can be a source of discord between brothers or sisters of the heart. In order to anticipate any unfortunate friendly breakup, these few tips can prove invaluable:
1. Choose the right time
Finding a good time to broach a tense subject is undoubtedly the first step that should not be overlooked. To do this, it is best to avoid stressful situations or moments of tension. For example, prefer a relaxed conversation over coffee rather than in the middle of a hectic evening.
2. Use “I” instead of “you”
Subtle but useful, the use of "I" allows you to talk about your own feelings, without accusing the other. This avoids misunderstandings and an overly offensive posture. Speaking on your own behalf remains ultimately the wisest strategy when you want to avoid overinterpreting what others say and aggravating tension.
3. Never raise your voice
This advice remains a challenge in itself. An argument is by definition a high-tension situation , so keeping calm is a feat, whereas the ab irato gesture would be almost intuitive. However, maintaining a calm and composed tone always makes the difference in the event of a quarrel. More measured, the voice naturally calms the conflict, and pushes the interlocutor to calm his ardor. A winning bet, although frustrating at the time.
4. Be open to discussion and listening
Standing your ground and closing your mouth to talk is not a good way to resolve a disagreement peacefully. Active listening and openness are essential to understanding the other person’s point of view. Show empathy and be willing to hear what your friend has to say without interrupting, and half the work will be done.
5. Be honest
Transparency is important, but it must be tempered by kindness. Expressing one's feelings without attacking or judging remains the best solution to move forward in the debate and find a safe haven for the dissonances.
6. Rely on concrete facts
Easier said than done, of course, but this advice is all the more crucial when you are faced with someone who wants to provoke you and make you lose your temper. Staying calm , controlling your inner fire and simply stating the facts is then the best defense to avoid playing the other person's game. A factual argument is always more effective than an outburst or excessive nervousness when you are looking for appeasement...
7. Don't try to be right at all costs.
The argument should not turn into a trial. Putting your ego aside to sometimes admit your wrongs is therefore essential if you want to protect your friendship. Adopting a posture of humility and forgiveness, without seeking domination in verbal jousting remains one of the most basic, but most effective, pieces of advice...
The original article can be found on Vogue France.
