Maintaining a friendship requires effort, which most of us are happy to put in for our favorite people. But if it seems like you’re doing all of the emotional heavy lifting, that can start to feel unfair, and, more importantly, it’s also a red flag. Like all relationships, friendships are meant to be mutual, meaning both people should feel loved and appreciated. If you’re the only one making plans and offering support while getting little in return, it’s natural to end up drained, resentful, and even lonely, Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF.
To be fair, life can get in the way and our friends can’t always be as responsive or available as we’d like. However, there are some key patterns to look for that could show your buddy doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do. Here, two therapists share five of those telltale signs.
1. They never call or text first.
Look through your texts and DMs: Are you always sending the first message? When’s the last time they suggested hanging out IRL? You can also experiment by not reaching out to see how long it takes for them to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence may indicate who’s really holding this connection together.
For a friendship to thrive, there has to be mutual effort, Leeds says. Someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life—maybe with a quick “How are you?” or a scheduled phone call when you’re both available. “At a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest to see how you’re doing,” she says. So if they can’t even manage to get in touch first from time to time (or consistently expect you to do so), it suggests they may not be genuinely interested in your world.
2. They rely on you for help with their problems, but you never get support for yours.
Venting to the folks who know you best is natural and can even strengthen your bond, but being there for each other should be a two-way street, Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, tells SELF.
If someone unloads their laundry list of problems but doesn’t listen to yours, “they’re likely using you as their on-call therapist,” Kelaher says. This one-directional dynamic could look like a pal who constantly complains about their boss but changes the subject whenever you open up about your work-related stress. Or they dominate dinner conversations with their dating disasters, yet they’re “busy,” uninterested, or MIA when you need relationship advice. Over time, investing all your time and energy into people who won’t give back can drain your energy, Leeds says, and leave you feeling neglected—by a person who’s supposed to have your back.
3. They only see you when it’s convenient for them.
Maybe they insist on eating at restaurants much closer to their house, which means you have to travel across town every single time. Or they only invite you out when their other weekend plans fell through (“Hey, my dinner got canceled. Wanna hang out?”), making you feel more like an afterthought than a priority.
“In a healthy relationship, there should always be a give-and-take,” Kelaher says, meaning that both people sometimes have to compromise and put in work to show how much they value the other. On the flip side, it’s incredibly disheartening when, time after time, someone you’d do anything for isn’t willing to meet you halfway (perhaps literally).
Another revealing scenario: You’re down to spend quality time together (over long dinners or monthly movie nights, say) and they’re only interested in brief 15-minute coffee chats that fit their schedule. Essentially, you shouldn’t be the only one making sacrifices or completely inconveniencing yourself—and if you are, it may be time to reevaluate things.
4. They make time for everyone else.
You might have a workaholic bestie who’s impossible to reach on weekdays or a well-intentioned pal who’s notoriously disorganized and forgetful. These traits can be frustrating, sure, but they don’t automatically signal a lopsided friendship, according to both therapists.
“Consider the bigger picture and ask yourself, ‘Is their behavior a reflection of not caring about me, or just a difference in availability and communication style?’” Leeds says. As an example, someone who takes five-to-seven business days to reply to anyone’s messages may not be singling you out. What’s more telling, however, is if that same person who’s “too swamped” to text you regularly posts Instagram stories of brunches, dinners, and post-work meetups with other people in their social circle. Another red flag is if your usually punctual bud (who’s known for being reliable) is comfortable canceling plans only with you. These inconsistencies, Kelaher says, suggest that they’re perfectly capable of showing up for loved ones—just not for you.
5. They’re not there for you when it really matters.
Let’s say you expressed how important it is to have some support at your first 5K race. A friend who truly cares might surprise you at the finish line with flowers, or at the very least shoot over a heartfelt “Good luck!” or “Congrats!” In a more unbalanced dynamic, however, this kind of consideration may be absent: They might downplay your achievement (“Sorry I couldn’t come, I just didn’t think it was a big deal since it was so short”) or forget your big day entirely without seeming apologetic.
True pals go the extra mile to celebrate your successes and be there during tough moments. That’s why if a so-called friend repeatedly forgets significant events like your birthday, or rarely shows empathy for your challenges (like a scary medical procedure you’ve been talking about for weeks), they may not be as invested in your well-being as they should be, Kelaher says.
If any of the signs above hit close to home, both therapists say it can be helpful to bring up your concerns non-confrontationally. (For example, “Hey, I’ve been noticing that there’s a disconnect between us lately. Are we good?” Or, “It seems like I’m initiating most of our conversations and I’ve been feeling unappreciated. Could we meet this week to talk about it?”). Hopefully, their response can give you clarity about whether they’re aware of this imbalance and, more importantly, if they’re willing to work on it.
That said, you can’t force someone to be a good friend, so if they don’t care enough to show up for you, know that you deserve better. It’s not worth your time and mental energy to prioritize people who take you for granted, and you’re much better off investing in current or new connections that are more fulfilling and supportive instead. “After all, friendships take work, Leeds says. “But it’s not meant to be done by just one person.”
Original article first appeared on SELF
