Figuring out how to curb and manage your jealousy in a relationship can be tough. Especially if you’re not sure what’s fuelling your feelings to begin with.
Even if you’re blessed with the most loving, loyal partner, it’s easy to get swept up in a wave of possessiveness when they laugh a little too hard with a cute coworker, or you stumble on a picture of their ridiculously hot ex.
Like anger and sadness, “jealousy is a completely normal human emotion that can pop up even in healthy relationships,” says Sarah Epstein, a licensed couples therapist in Dallas, US. Sometimes, caring about someone so much can trigger protective instincts that make you want them all to yourself, Epstein says. At other times, this insecurity may be a sign you’re craving something that’s missing – perhaps more reassurance or quality time.
Still, it’s important to keep your jealousy in check, she adds, or it can take over and lead to toxic behaviours such as trying to control who your SO sees, what they do or where they go, or invading their privacy by snooping through their phone. We’re not saying you must become some effortlessly chill partner who never has self-doubt. But stopping baseless worries from ruining a good thing is a good step – and these expert tips can help.
1. Be curious (not embarrassed) about your jealousy
No one wants to think they’re the ‘jealous type’. Epstein says that suppressing insecurity and anxiety often leads to impulsive actions you’ll probably regret later, such as accusing your partner of flirting when all they did was smile at someone. Or questioning their loyalty over a like on social media.
“Slow down, and give yourself a chance to think through the experience,” she suggests. “Journaling is a great way to reflect, because writing down how you’re feeling can help you distance yourself from jealous thoughts.” You might jot down something like, ‘My partner liked their attractive friend’s post and now I feel insecure about my own appearance.’ Or, ‘They didn’t share their phone password, so I’m paranoid about what (or who) they’re hiding.’
According to Epstein, taking a few minutes to identify and understand your specific emotions allows you to view your jealousy more objectively. That way, you’re less likely to immediately blame, scold or judge your partner based on a fleeting suspicion. This exercise can also interrupt the cycle of catastrophic thinking and help you reflect on whether your jealousy stems from your partner’s actions or your own underlying issues.
2. Fact-check your suspicions
Unhealthy jealousy can easily cause you to jump to conclusions and spiral into worst-case scenarios. Remember, these assumptions aren’t facts: “This is a story your jealousy is telling you,” says Alex Ly, a licensed therapist in Fremont, California. That’s why it’s important to challenge your negative thoughts by focusing on what you actually know.
For instance, say your partner isn’t answering your texts on a Saturday night. Before you automatically assume they must be flirting at a bar, take a moment to remind yourself of the facts: they’ve gone out plenty of times before without any drama, right? Or they already gave you a heads-up about being busy, so it’s not like they’re intentionally ignoring you.Realistically: when you’re out with your friends, are you glued to your phone? Probably not!
3. Resist digging into your partner’s past relationships
Even if there’s no reason to doubt their loyalty, retroactive jealousy (an unhealthy obsession with their previous romantic relationships) can still creep in. You might catch yourself scrolling so deep into a previous one-night stand’s Facebook that you end up on their 2015 posts, or measuring yourself against their cool, successful high-school crush.
These jealous behaviours are a waste of time and energy – their past experiences are in the past for a reason, Ly says. To prevent resentment from hijacking your current connection, he recommends setting healthy boundaries, such as blocking or muting their exes on social media to avoid falling into a rabbit hole of comparison. You can also politely ask your partner not to talk about their sexual history if it triggers your insecurities. This way, you can protect your mental health and shift your attention to the present.
4. Focus on what’s going well in your relationship
Rather than obsessing over hypothetical what-ifs, Ly recommends redirecting your energy towards appreciating the present – “It’s helpful to see just how strong your relationship really is” – and also, how irrational your doubts may be.
A good place to start is by listing all the times your partner has proven their trustworthiness. Even if they don’t share their location with you, maybe they always text you when they arrive safely at their destination. Or perhaps they consistently prioritise quality time together, even during their busiest weeks. Whenever jealousy creeps in, these heartwarming reminders can help you realise there’s no reason to feel threatened or paranoid.
Another way to embrace the positives of your bond? Create new memories together, Epstein suggests. By actively investing in your relationship and celebrating what’s good, you’ll hopefully feel more secure (and less threatened).
5. Stop relying solely on your partner for validation – and start reclaiming your independence
It’s easy to overthink and scrutinise your loved one’s every little move when your entire identity is based on them. That’s why both Ly and Epstein emphasise the importance of personal interests and hobbies outside of your relationship.Not only does staying busy distract you from worrying about what your SO is doing, but investing in yourself can give you a renewed sense of purpose, Ly says.
The key is to channel your energy into whatever brings you joy, whether that’s, say, perfecting your already impressive baking skills, or joining a running club.When you’re content and fulfilled on your own, you’re less likely to constantly seek reassurance from your partner.
6. Be honest with your partner, without blame
Admitting that you’re insecure or jealous can be tough – embarrassing, even. Both therapists agree that honest and open communication is a must for preventing misunderstandings and resentment. “I encourage people to take a non-judgmental, curious approach, rather than going in with a mission to interrogate, accuse and blame,” Ly says. One effective way to do this is by focusing on your own experiences and sticking with ‘I’ statements. For example, ‘I get paranoid when I see you being so friendly with your single friends, and it makes me wonder if you think I’m not as fun as them’, versus ‘You smile and flirt with everyone, and it’s so disrespectful.’
Sharing your emotions isn’t about trying to control your partner. It’s about being honest and vulnerable about what’s bothering you, which should help them understand where your fears and concerns are coming from.
Ideally, you’ll get the reassurance you need, Epstein says. But if their response seems dismissive or totally unempathetic, you’re at least getting a wake-up call that perhaps the relationship isn’t giving you the security and support you deserve.
