If your partner is playing open cards with you in every other aspect except the numbers department, it might be time to have an honest conversation about your finances, especially if things are getting serious between the two of you.
We can all agree that a healthy relationship is made up of two partners who not only choose each other but also value open communication and transparency. Head of Channel and Marketing at Sanlam, Lee Hancox notes that our views about money are influenced by our backgrounds, “some people grew up in a household where money was never discussed, on the contrary others grew up with a family that were very open about their finances and attitude towards money.” It is therefore expected that you and your partner will approach the subject differently, “but if you’re in a serious relationship, there should be nothing that’s off the table when it comes to having an open and trusting relationship,” she adds.
Conversations about money will help you understand your partner’s views and how they differ from yours. “You can therefore decide what your ‘relationship’ attitude towards money is going to be, and allow that to guide you as a couple.” So what happens if one of you deviates from those guidelines? Lee says it’s better to have the conversation sooner rather than later, and not allow it to simmer below the surface for an extended period of time. And if you suspect that your partner hasn’t been completely honest with you. She lists the signs of financial infidelity below:
- Not wanting to talk about money and avoiding the conversation – If your significant other will do anything to not talk about money, that should raise a red flag.
- Controlling behaviour – has your partner taken over the finances and now controls all the spending & paying of bills? There could be something they don’t want you to know about.
- Arguments – have you started having more arguments about money? This could be a sign that it’s become a touchy subject for your partner.
- Lies – has your partner started lying to other people about money and their financial situation?
- That gut feeling – trust your intuition if you think your partner is lying to you about their financial situation.
Lee further notes that most people don’t like confrontation, “even less so when the confrontation is because of money.” She therefore recommends finding a neutral place to have that initial discussion. “Perhaps go for a coffee or a walk in the park. Somewhere that lends itself to a calm, even-tempered discussion where it can’t get too heated.” When engaging in conversation, discuss your concerns and feelings, and mention everything that is bothering you. And once you’ve aired your issues, Lee recommends working together to come up with a plan of action which details what can be done to address the problems. “Also try not to throw the dealt with issues in your partner's face every time you have an argument in the future, this won’t help the situation and can lead to resentment and other issues that have very little to do with the original problem.” Most importantly, “Celebrate the small achievements, you have worked on the issues as a couple.”
