Do you feel exhausted from carrying other peoples’ baggage? Your lack of boundaries could be a symptom of codependency. In her book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself , best- selling author Melody Beattie unpacks this condition.
As a codependent, you’ve probably given people more chances than they deserve. For years, you’ve told yourself that your purpose in life is to serve others without ever taking a moment to consider if your needs are being met. And when you look around, your circle consists of people who need you, in one way or another. You’re either married to an alcoholic, in a relationship with a narcissist or have friends who take you for granted. The mere thought of rejection sends you into a tailspin, so you self-sacrifice to avoid disfavour. This is how you’ve been navigating life. Only, something feels off when you realise you’ve just yes, again, when every fibre of your being is screaming, no! Now you’re settling for breadcrumbs again when you know in your heart that you deserve more.
Your frustration has led you to question why you’ve settled for a life you’re not happy with. This question plagues most codependents, and from a life-coaching perspective, the penny dropped when I discovered this book, which has countless gems for those seeking to put an end to the vicious cycle of rescuer, persecutor and victim. Melody describes this as a ‘drama triangle’. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you’re probably feeling fatigued – and that’s exactly why you should read this. I’ve summed up the most valuable points to help you detach from the whirlwind of uncertainty and embark on a journey of healing, hope and freedom.
Signs you’re codependent:
• You believe you’re responsible for other people and their feelings
• You gravitate towards needy people
• You have trouble saying no
• You’re more comfortable giving than receiving
• You’re indecisive
• You’re fixated on solving other peoples’ problems
Characteristics of a codependent:
• Inability to enjoy life
• Victim mentality
• Unable to accept compliments
How to move past it
Reassure yourself that you matter. Your needs are important, and your dreams are valid, so invest in yourself as you would in other people. Self-sacrificing stems from the belief that you’re not worthy and you need other people to validate you, but you’re the only person who can give you the approval and validation you seek. Believe that you’re enough because you are!
Practise self-care. Set an intention to fill your cup, so you can operate from a place of abundance instead of lack. When your cup is full, you’re able to give the overflow to other people. Self-care also means detaching from people and situations that no longer serve you. Say yes to yourself more often by doing things that make you feel good.
Learn to set boundaries. Get in touch with yourself and tune into your value system, so you know when you’re being violated or if your actions aren’t in line with your core values. It’s OK to give to other people when your cup is full, but it’s also OK to say no when you don’t have the resources, or if it just doesn’t feel right to say yes.
Recognise when you’re imposing. Believing it’s your job to fix people robs them of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and grow. They don’t have to be accountable, which can lead you to resent and persecute them for not living up to your expectations. You may end up feeling victimised because you’ve been doing too much. It’s this kind of thinking that keeps you trapped in the drama triangle.
Feel your feelings. It’s OK to feel angry and to express it; you don’t have to be a doormat to be liked. If the people around you expect you to be happy all the time, despite how they treat you, then this is a good time to re-evaluate.
Trust yourself. You can make good decisions and live the life of your dreams. Just because you’ve made some mistakes in the past, it doesn’t mean you can’t make better ones today and in the future. Your intuition is powerful, so tap into it and trust your inner voice to guide you. You may have suppressed it over the years, but if you allow yourself to detach from all the noise and drama, you’ll hear it.
Love yourself. A lot of things have happened in your life to make you feel ‘less than’, but you can forgive yourself for tolerating things you shouldn’t have, and learn to put yourself first. It’s a process that involves unlearning certain beliefs and behaviours. But first, you have to forgive yourself. Constantly working on yourself and owning your stuff will help you stay focused on your journey, instead of being obsessed with fixing others. You’re worthy!
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