Contrary to the lessons of many woefully inadequate sex ed classes, there’s no rule that sex has to equal some form of body-part-inside-body-part. In fact, that’s a super limiting (not to mention, heteronormative) definition. Of course, penetrative sex—with a penis, finger, or sex toy—can be perfectly great in the same way that vanilla is a fine (even delicious) flavor to many folks. But you probably wouldn’t choose to have only vanilla for the rest of your life, right? The same goes for sex: It’s silly to relegate yourself solely to penetration when there’s an array of non-penetrative sex ideas to enjoy too.
“It’s kind of wild that [many people] hear ‘sex’ and automatically go to a penis in a vagina,” Rachel Wright, LMFT, a New York City–based psychotherapist who specializes in sex and relationship therapy, tells SELF. Expanding that definition to include “any meaningful experience of pleasure,” and not focusing exclusively on vaginal or anal penetration can “open up a lot of new options for people [in bed] and make sex more desirable,” she says. That’s to say, adding new flavours can spice up a dish and ensure it caters to different tastes.
Below, sex experts share why you might want (or need) to take penetration off the menu sometimes, plus a bunch of non-penetrative sex ideas for enriching your sensual palate.
Why you might want to try non-penetrative sex play
Despite what (very patriarchal) pop-culture depictions of sex might suggest, “not all bodies like or prefer penetration, and most people with vulvas actually do not orgasm solely from vaginal penetration,” Nicoletta Heidegger, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist who specializes in sex education, tells SELF. Indeed, more than 70% of women in a 2015 survey reported that they required clitoral stimulation to come, or that it made their orgasms feel better—meaning, penetration alone would result in meh sex (at best!) for all those folks.
Others may not be able to engage in penetration at all or could find it painful—say, if you have erectile dysfunction or a condition that affects your pelvis (like endometriosis or irritable bowel syndrome) or any chronic illness “where you have trouble getting into a position to receive or give it,” Wright says. The same goes for anyone who’s experienced sexual trauma, she adds, which can make penetration feel both emotionally and physically inaccessible or like something you just aren’t comfortable exploring.
Even scenarios involving temporary discomfort in your nether regions—maybe you have a yeast infection or UTI or you’re dealing with period cramps or vaginal irritation—can make penetration hurt, Wright says. But rather than skip sex altogether, you might still be able to uncover some pleasure or connect intimately with a partner by going for non-penetrative play.
If you’re dating, non-penetrative sex brings the added benefit of “expanding your pool of people with whom you may be sexually compatible,” Wright says. And for similar reasons, it might bring you gender euphoria (or be a joyful gender-affirming experience!) or better align with your cultural, religious, or personal beliefs, Heidegger says. Not to mention, bypassing penetration will of course remove your risk of pregnancy, she says, and can lessen your risk of STIs too (though that risk remains if you go for oral, since you’re sharing bodily fluids).
Even if nothing’s stopping you from enjoying penetration, you could likely still benefit from some non-penetrative moves as a means to expand your sexual buffet—which “frankly allows more opportunities for connection and emotional intimacy, as well as pleasure,” Wright says. (“It doesn’t have to be one thing versus another, because [sex] is a spectrum,” she adds.) And if you’re not dating or partnered? Well, non-penetrative solo sex doesn’t require another person’s body.
Non-penetrative sex acts that are just as hot as intercourse
Here’s the rub: Literally anything you might do sexually that is consensual and pleasure-focused can count here, Heidegger says—from sensual massage to fingering to oral sex to just kissing, grinding, or even fantasizing.
If you’re thinking, wait a sec, that’s all just “foreplay,” Wright suggests you reconsider that whole concept: “It implies that if you’re doing sex act A, B, or C, then the next step is penetration, and it doesn’t have to be that way,” she says. “This idea of foreplay prevents a lot of people from saying yes to their partner initiating sex because they don’t want to commit to a whole process.” Whereas, defining anything pleasurable as a form of sex in and of itself can remove that pressure. Here are some spicy ideas to get you started:
1. Have an extremely steamy makeout sesh.
Kissing wasn’t given the illustrious label of first base for nothin’. It’s very much a sexual activity and deserves to be regarded as such. Letting your lips linger on your partner’s, syncing up your breath with theirs and draping a hand on their neck or lower back can make kissing feel every bit as sensual—if not more—than full-on intercourse.
2. Use your tongue all over their body.
Speaking of making out, there’s plenty more you can do with that mouth beyond gluing it to someone else’s. Yes, we’re talking about oral sex, which comes in a ton of different varieties! Some ideas if you’re going down on someone with a vagina: Trace your tongue along their labia or vaginal opening to tease them (or fully edge them, bringing them close to coming and then retreating), or go for the tried-and-true flicking or sucking (or both, successively!) of their clitoris. If your partner has a penis, aside from the typical blow job, you can kiss or lick any body parts down there, perhaps running your tongue along their perineum (the swath of skin between their butthole and genitals).
Even if you’re not going for full-blown oral, you can put your mouth to use on any other erogenous zones across your partner’s body (nipples, neck, thighs—you name it) with breathy kisses or gentle sucking. Want to get fancy? Try pursing your lips to blow cooler air on their body or opening your mouth wide to exhale a warmer puff.
3. Get handsy.
Regardless of your or your partner’s anatomy, there’s a ton you can do with your fingers that involves zero penetration. It’s the reason why “digital stimulation,” Wright says, is so tried and true, especially in combination with oral stuff. If you’re touching your or someone else’s vagina, cup your hand and massage the entire labia, or use your fingers to trace figure-eights with the clit at the center; and if you’re holding a penis, a good ol’ hand job (stroking up and down) can be refreshing to explore, particularly if the receiver is mostly used to a tongue or a hole.
And whatever you’re doing, don’t neglect the butt—which is full of nerve endings that you can stimulate sans penetration. Massaging the anus or perineum with a lubed-up finger—a.k.a. anal surfacing—can introduce a whole different kind of sexual pleasure.
4. Embrace some sensual massage.
Who said the touching had to start (or stop) down there? Oil up your hands, and make long, smooth strokes on your partner’s shoulders, back, thighs, or wherever else they might want to be massaged. Then, you can drift your fingers toward some of their erogenous zones, like their neck, boobs, butt, and maybe even their feet, armpits, and the sides of their back, depending on what they’re into, Wright says: “Semi-erotic massage can be a really connective physical experience.”
5. Explore power play.
Layering on a psychological element to your sexy time can be an incredibly hot way to dial things up, no penetration necessary. The important thing is that you discuss your boundaries for any dominant or submissive behavior ahead of time, Wright says. For instance, are you cool with being tied up but don’t want anything restricting your neck or face? Say that. Or maybe you’re okay with impact play—like being spanked on the butt—but a slap in the face is crossing the line. Verbalize that too. (If you’re totally new to this kind of kink, here’s a little guide on how to ease into it.)
“Within the container you create, the dominant person is leading and the submissive person is following,” Wright says. This might look like taking instructions for what to do (“Crawl to the bed”), or it could involve impact with whips or a flogger or hands, or any form of restraints, she says. Or maybe it’s more about the idea of being dominated by or submitting to someone else—which can be very erotic in and of itself. “Some people can have very, very kinky sex…and their genitals don’t even touch,” Wright says. That alone could be a fun challenge.
6. Rub up against a partner.
The practical opposite of the above, taking hands out of the equation and grinding against a partner—even if you’re fully clothed—can be a super sexy experience, Heidegger says. Or take it down a notch, and just spoon them, cuddle, or press your body against theirs while naked, Wright suggests. “For some people, that cuddling releases the oxytocin they need or want, and they’re good.”
7. Reimagine your bath or shower time.
Shower sex is rarely as seamless as rom-coms would have you believe: A hard, slippery floor and a face full of water stand in the way of nailing most go-to positions for penetration—which begs the question: What if you…don’t? Just lounging in a tub of suds with your partner or lathering each other in the shower can be very hot, Heidegger says, and allows you to focus on being present together versus avoiding a face-plant. You can even take things a step further by making out under the stream of water like you’re kissing in the rain or filming B-roll for The Bachelor. (IYKYK.)
And if you don’t have a partner? A dip in the tub or a shower is the perfect me-time for fingering yourself (you’re already naked!)—just don’t forget the silicone-based lube.
8. Involve a non-penetrative sex toy.
Plenty of vibrators can do all sorts of good without making an entrance in the front or back door. We’re talkin’ wand, palm, bullet, and clitoral suction vibes, which are all designed to be used across external parts of (or the entire!) vulva. You can even slide on a finger vibrator to zhuzh up whatever you’re already doing with your hand when touching yourself or someone else. Or give your partner one of the above toys, and ask them to run it along various erogenous zones across your body.
9. Invite your partner to watch you masturbate—while they touch themselves too.
Whether you’re using fingers or a toy, touching yourself can be even hotter when your partner is in the room. “Some folks love to be watched, and some folks love to watch!” Heidegger says. Plus, there’s something uniquely vulnerable about allowing a partner to witness how you like to masturbate, she adds. Better yet if they also give themselves a hand at the same time (a.k.a. mutual masturbation)—which is an option for FaceTime canoodling (or phone sex) too.
There’s really no end to the number of sexual experiences that could star in your non-penetrative repertoire. The even better news is, “the more broadly you define sex and pleasure,” Heidegger says, “the more of it you can have”—and that’s on math.
Original article available on SELF
