How much does it suck when you hate your friend’s partner? Not only do you want what’s best for your bud, but inevitably having to spend time with a person you can’t stand isn’t awesome either. Then there’s figuring out what to do about it. Do you risk offending them by bringing it up? Grin and bear it and hope you don’t look as annoyed as you feel? Slowly stew in your judgments until that bitch eating crackers causes you to snap?
It’s important to note that helping someone you suspect is in an abusive or otherwise toxic relationship involves a totally different approach than simply managing your feelings about someone you dislike, Natasha Reynold, a Toronto-based registered psychotherapist at Bloom Psychology & Wellness, tells SELF. So if you see signs of intimate partner violence like physical marks, verbal putdowns, or huge changes in your friend’s behavior, broaching the subject gently might be the right move (here are some helpful things to say to someone in that situation, and if you aren’t sure, you can also brush up on less obvious signs of emotional abuse).
But disliking your pal’s partner doesn’t have to mean anything sinister—they might just rub you the wrong way. If you’re not sure why, exactly, they get under their skin, Reynolds recommends a little self-reflection: “Before jumping into action, I suggest looking within yourself and asking, ‘What are the true reasons I’m taking issue with this person?’” she says. Perhaps he’s a mansplainer, she has some gross habits, or their sense of humor isn’t for you. Or maybe it’s more personal, like they remind you of someone else you have a negative relationship with or it feels like they’re hogging your bestie’s time and attention. Whatever the reason your friend’s choice of mate isn’t your cup of tea, here are three steps you can take.
Have a (non-judgy) conversation with your friend.
Consider it an info-gathering mission—not an opportunity to air your grievances. Reynolds recommends emphasizing your curiosity. “That could sound like, ‘I just wanted to check in—how are things going? How are you feeling in this relationship?’” she says.
Your goal might be to gain a different perspective on their partner. “Especially if this is a new person in their life, you might not be seeing the whole picture,” Reynolds says. “Maybe your friend can give you insight into what you’re missing and what they appreciate about them.”
Depending on your situation, you can also suss out if your pal is open to feedback—say, on how their SO keeps making questionable jokes or how you notice they’re falling into old relationship patterns they’ve previously said they want to break. If you do decide to raise any concerns, make sure to ask about your friend’s experience rather than directly criticizing their person. “You can say, ‘I was thinking about this comment your partner made today—how did that make you feel hearing that?’” Reynolds explains. This way, you’re inviting them to share their perspective and possibly even see things from your viewpoint without feeling attacked.
Choose buffer activities.
Okay, you might never want to hang out with this buzzkill, but in a lot of cases, identifying situations in which you find them at least tolerable is a good way to keep the peace. “Maybe you’re not down for an intimate evening where you’re playing board games and talking all night long—but you might be willing to show up for a bigger group hang where you don’t have to interact with them solo,” Reynolds says. Or perhaps you don’t mind chilling just the three of you if there’s a distracting activity—like a video game or trivia competition—to keep irritating conversation at bay.
At the same time, protecting no-partner zones can be helpful too. Reynolds suggests framing this approach as wanting to spend quality time with your friend, not avoiding their SO—because “I miss catching up one-on-one!” will probably go over better than, “I’m sick of Bob crashing happy hour.” By setting some low-key boundaries, you can minimize your exposure to The Partner while also showing you value your friendship enough to make an effort to keep it strong. Win-win.
Come up with a mantra.
Chances are you’ll still have to share space with this annoying-to-you person at some point or another. The best move in those situations is to focus on managing your feelings, not problem-solving your circumstances. To that end, Reynolds recommends developing a personal coping statement that can help you maintain your composure. “When you just want to snap or roll your eyes, give yourself room to pause and repeat whatever statement helps ground you,” she says.
She suggests something that reminds you what’s important and why making an effort to at least tolerate your pal’s partner is worth it. Think things like: They make my friend happy. I trust my friend’s judgment. My friendship is independent of this relationship. Hell, if it makes you feel better, something like, At least she’s better than his last girlfriend! works too.
By practicing soothing yourself when emotions run high, you can let the air out of your unpleasant feelings toward this person and concentrate on the bigger picture—maintaining a good relationship with your friend while protecting your peace.
Original article appeared on SELF
