Wouldn’t it be nice if you could flip a switch and shut off your thoughts when you’re having sex? Instead of stressing about your mile-long to-do list, you could worry about doing…your partner. And instead of wondering what your O-face looks like, you could just, you know, orgasm. But getting out of your head during sex is easier said than done—whether you’re easily distracted by the smallest things (Wait, I turned the stove off, right?) or plagued with anxious thoughts (Am I even doing this right?!).
No matter what your inner monologue is yapping about, you’re not alone if it’s killing the mood. Here, experts share why many of us get stuck in our thoughts during sex—and how we can get out of our heads—so we can get off.
What does it even mean to “get out of your head” during sex?
If you’ve ever had sex so good you forgot the outside world existed, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that the best sexual experiences tend to be the ones you’re fully present for. “If you’re in the moment, your mind isn’t pulling you to these far-off places,” certified sex therapist Marissa Nelson, LMFT, tells SELF. “Instead, you’re in your body, feeling connected, and experiencing all of the pleasure and sensations that are happening.” When you’re in this zone, you’re maintaining what Nelson calls your “erotic focus.”
When you’re in your head, on the other hand, your focus can be on anything but the present. Sometimes, a run-of-the-mill distraction (like the ghost of your shitty day at work) could intrude on the moment, but a lot of the time, people overthink the sex itself. Or more specifically, their anxieties, insecurities, and other hangups related to sex. What face am I making? Am I satisfying my partner? What do they think of my body? Ugh, am I ever going to come? Nelson refers to all of this as "erotic chatter," and as you can probably guess, it's the enemy of erotic focus.
On top of being annoying, getting stuck in your head during sex can have real consequences, thanks to the ever-important brain-body connection. “There’s this prevailing myth that sex is automatic, that it’s a reflex, that if bodies are touched in the right spot, we will respond and get aroused, and that’s simply not true,” Lori Brotto, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness, tells SELF. “Instead, what we know is there’s a feedback loop, wherein once the body starts to get aroused, the brain receives those messages and in turn sends messages back down to the rest of the body to continue the arousal.”
At least, that’s what’s supposed to happen. But erotic chatter can interrupt that feedback loop, and get in the way of your pleasure, Dr. Brotto says. So how are you supposed to deal? Long story short, the best way to get out of your head during sex is to train your brain to stay present. So let’s talk about how.
1. Pay attention to what’s coming up during sex.
In order to quiet unsexy comments from your inner peanut gallery, it helps to take a step back and ask: What is your brain actually saying and where are those thoughts coming from? If you notice common themes, these patterns might suggest areas you can work on.
For example, if you’re preoccupied with anxieties related to your performance or insecurities about how you look, you might find this guide on getting comfortable in your body for sex useful. Meanwhile, if your swirling thoughts sound similar to the spirals you have at work or in other areas of your life, Dr. Brotto says you may be dealing with more generalized anxiety.
That’s not to say your stray thoughts during sex always hold clues to some deeper issue. Getting preoccupied with your stomach, for example, can signal anything from body image struggles to “Huh, maybe I’d be more comfortable having sex when I’m not bloated.” The idea here is to get curious about what your erotic chatter can tell you, Nelson says.
2. Practice mindfulness in your day-to-day life.
This probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard that mindfulness is a legitimate mental health practice with many benefits, including managing and reducing anxious thoughts. As a quick refresher, the gist of practicing mindfulness is training your brain to let go of distractions in order to stay grounded in the present moment.
Given everything we just said about how a wandering mind can interfere with sex, you’re also probably not shocked to hear that mindfulness can help with that, too. It won’t get rid of your thoughts completely—that’s pretty much impossible—but with practice, it can help you manage your mental noise so it doesn’t interfere with your pleasure. “It’s not so much that you’re emptying your mind of those thoughts and worries, but rather that you’re letting them drift to the background of your attention because you’re focusing on what’s actually transpiring in the present,” Dr. Brotto says.
“With practice” is the operative phrase, though. Mindfulness is a tool that you have to develop, so if you have no experience with it, Dr. Brotto suggests starting outside the bedroom, with a daily meditation practice, for example. If meditating isn’t your thing, you can also try adding one or more of these simple mindfulness exercises to your routine.
3. Then bring mindfulness to the bedroom.
Once you’ve got a hang of the whole “being mindful” thing in your everyday life, what does that look like during sex? It’s pretty much the same thing as mindfulness in a non-sexual situation. “Once you root your attention in the sensations you’re feeling and the experience you’re having, you can use it as an anchor,” Dr. Brotto says. “Whenever you feel those thoughts come up, simply let them be and redirect your attention back to the body.”
To road-test employing some sexy mindfulness, Dr. Brotto suggests taking the focus off of coming, since goal-oriented sex is a common reason people struggle to stay present. “If you’re hyper-focused on, ‘Am I going to have an orgasm? Is it going to happen? Why aren’t I having an orgasm?’ that often takes you further away from actually reaching one,” according to Dr. Brotto.
Instead, she recommends focusing on individual sensations in your body. Where do you feel warmth? Where do you feel tingling? Where does it just feel amazing? You can practice this solo (hey, mindful masturbation) or with a partner—whichever is more comfortable. Not only can tuning into your body help you stay grounded, but it can really take the pressure off, which might just shut your brain up naturally.
4. Tell your partner what’s going on.
Sometimes, the thoughts rattling around in your head during sex would be better said aloud to your partner—especially if you’re preoccupied because you’re not enjoying yourself, something that’s all too common, according to Nelson. “A lot of people feel like they don’t know how to voice their sexual needs,” she says. “They don’t feel ownership and agency to be able to say, ‘This is what I need, let’s shift positions, let’s do this instead,’ so they keep it inside.” For that reason, we’ll leave you with this guide to asking for exactly what you want in bed (and this one for specifically requesting more oral sex, too, because why not).
Even if there’s nothing, in particular, you want your partner to do differently, voicing your less actionable thoughts in the moment (“Ugh, why can’t I stop thinking about the dishes?”) can keep them from festering and maybe even take away their power. The same goes for sharing fears and doubts, like “FYI, I’m a little embarrassed about how long it takes me to orgasm” or “I’m worried I’m not good in bed.”
Whether you’re giving instructions or just lamenting that you can’t concentrate, communicating is better than holding it all in, says Nelson says. Remember: Connecting with your partner is more important than “ruining the mood.”
5. Actually make time and space for sex.
Sometimes, you might be distracted in bed for a good reason—like, you legit have to be doing other stuff. Mindfulness tools can only go so far if you’re feeling stressed and rushed, so Nelson also recommends setting yourself up for success by carving out intentional time for intimacy.
Do what you can to diminish distractions, whether that’s turning off Slack notifications or getting a babysitter.
Nelson notes it doesn’t hurt to set the mood, either. “Ask yourself, ‘What gets me to a place where I feel sexual and sensual?’” It’s okay if the answers don’t come to you right away—in fact, exploring the question by yourself or with your partner can be fun in and of itself. Maybe certain music helps you loosen up, or you feel hotter right after a shower or in lingerie, which might shut up the rude inner voice that tries to tell you you’re not desirable. You might also discover when you definitely don’t want to have sex, like when your sheets are dirty or the night before stressful meetings.
From figuring out what turns you on to learning when you feel your best, the more in touch you are with yourself as a sexual being, the easier it’ll be to tap into that energy—and stay present once you do.
The original article can be found on SELF US.
