No matter how thoughtful and empathetic you try to be, you’ve probably hurt or offended someone you really care about. Maybe you accidentally let a private detail about your best friend’s health struggle slip during a group hang, or you snooped through your partner’s phone, completely shaking their trust. After messing up, it’s natural to want to make things right—but what’s the best way to actually earn that all-important “it’s okay”?
The reality is, “you can't make someone forgive you,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, author of I Want This to Work, tells SELF. Even if you fall all over yourself apologizing and take accountability for your actions, “forgiveness comes from the other person,” Earnshaw says—and there are plenty of reasons why someone might not be ready to let bygones be bygones. They may need time to process what happened or perhaps they’re not convinced your “sorry” is genuine.
While you can’t force forgiveness, you can take meaningful steps to earn it. According to the experts we spoke with, these are some of the best ways to redeem yourself—and get whoever you offended to move past your slipup.
1. Don’t view apologizing as a sign of weakness.
If you struggle to admit when you did something wrong, that makes a lot of sense. Acknowledging that you were a shitty friend or significant other, for instance, can bring up uncomfortable emotions many of us would prefer to avoid—such as guilt, shame, or embarrassment.
However, if you see owning up to your mistakes as a blow to your ego, this mindset will only hold you back and prevent you from being a better pal, partner, and overall person, Nelly Seo, PsyD, a psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF. Instead, try to reframe the act of taking responsibility as an opportunity for growth.
“It requires emotional strength and a lot of self-awareness to trade in your pride and admit you messed up,” Dr. Seo says. And ultimately, this perspective shift can make it easier to be more honest, remorseful, and vulnerable—without the defensiveness or blame-shifting that might ruin your chances of returning to your loved one’s good graces.
2. Be specific about what you’re sorry for.
A declaration of sorrow isn’t always enough. “A good apology includes a clear understanding of what exactly you did to hurt the person and shows some sense of remorse,” Earnshaw says.
If you were super late to a close friend’s birthday party, a brief “sorry again for last night” text the next morning doesn’t convey that you truly get their disappointment. Instead, express your regret and validate their feelings with something like, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t on time. I know this party meant a lot to you and it’s been planned for months, and I completely get why you’re mad at me.” Or, “I should have told you sooner that I was running late, and I feel horrible about letting you down.”
Basically, don’t just admit you did something wrong; admit you did something wrong to them. The more personal and detailed you are, the more it shows you’ve carefully reflected on the situation—which Earnshaw says will make your apology more meaningful (and more likely to be taken seriously).
3. Explain why you did what you did without making excuses.
Especially if you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, it’s easy to slip into defense mode and start justifying your shitty actions. It wasn’t my fault I was late—work was crazy! I didn’t mean to say [insert insensitive comment]—I was just drunk!
To be fair, adding context for why you did what you did can help clear things up. But sometimes it can also come across like you’re deflecting responsibility, Dr. Seo warns. (Think about it: Are you truly taking accountability if your priority is to explain away your bad behavior?) That’s why, when you’re giving reasons for what happened, it’s important not to let them overshadow how your actions affected the other person.
With the example above, if you missed part of your pal’s big day due to a last-second work obligation, it’s okay to mention that—just don’t use it as an excuse to sidestep how disappointed they felt. Or say, after a few cocktails, you joked about how bad your body looks in front of a sibling who’s struggled with disordered eating: You can add that you weren’t in the best state of mind—while also addressing how deeply inconsiderate your comment was. “The point is to acknowledge how your mistake hurt them, rather than assuming your explanation alone can make everything okay and absolve you of responsibility,” Dr. Seo says.
4. Describe what you’ll do to prevent this from happening again—and actually follow through.
Words alone can only do so much. If you’re talking the talk but aren’t taking real steps to fix the issue, your apology (no matter how heartfelt) won’t carry much weight—which is why it’s helpful to outline how you intend to change. (In other words, what will you do from this point on? How will you prevent similar slipups from happening again?)
Instead of just promising your partner that you’ll stop snapping at them whenever family-related stress gets to you, come prepared with a few concrete steps you’ll take (like requesting 15 minutes of alone time to cool off, for example). Or, to make sure you never forget a friend’s important moments (like birthdays or big doctor’s appointments) again, commit to adding those events to your calendar—and set reminders to notify you too. That way “you’re showing the other person you’re serious about not hurting them again,” Earnshaw says, which is a solid step toward rebuilding trust and gaining their forgiveness.
5. If they need space, let them know you’re ready to give it.
“You shouldn’t expect to be forgiven,” Earnshaw says. (Remember: Apologizing is your part, but accepting it is theirs.) Not only can it be annoying and overwhelming, but “putting pressure on someone might send a message that you only apologized to get what you wanted (forgiveness) rather than to genuinely right your wrong,” she adds.
Of course, it’s natural to want to check in and see where they’re at. A better idea than bugging them for updates, though, is simply asking if they need space, Dr. Seo says. You could also say something like, “I know I've been apologizing a lot, so I’ll give you some time to process everything. I don’t want you to think I'm abandoning you; I just want to respect your needs.” By stepping back, you’re letting them work through their pain at their own pace, which they’ll probably appreciate more than a flood of “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
6. Know that there’s a chance they won’t forgive you—and try to accept it.
Even if you do everything “right” and follow all of the advice above to a T, it’s possible that the person you hurt won’t ever forgive you—or even if they do, they may not want you back in their life. As heartbreaking as that outcome can be, though, you owe it to yourself to not let it jumpstart a never-ending cycle of self-blame and regret.
“No one is perfect, and we’re all bound to make mistakes that sometimes have big consequences,” Dr. Seo says. “What’s important is finding a way to accept that and, when you’re emotionally ready, focus on what you can learn from this experience.” Maybe that looks like reflecting on what it means to be a more reliable, trustworthy friend for your existing connections, or adopting healthier ways to manage your anger. As long as you’re committed to growing from your missteps, both therapists agree you’re on the path to doing better in the future—and forgiving yourself.
Original article appeared on SELF
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