Today’s pearls of wisdom revolve around the dos and don’ts of dating for money.
Today’s question from our online reader is: “I have a sugar daddy, but my friends say it’s wrong. Is it really bad to date for money? And is it wrong to turn a guy down because he didn’t have enough money?
Have you heard of the saying ‘holier than thou’? Basically, these people are telling you it’s wrong because they think they have some kind of moral high ground. They don’t. What they seem to have forgotten is that they are human and that they are far from innocent. Essentially, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones… because love might be free, but glass isn’t.
Dating and marrying for love, only, is a beautiful, wonderful, yet totally idealistic sentiment. Love, if it’s possible, should always be part of the equation, of course… but love is a lot like bitcoin. It comes and it goes, but you can’t buy a house with it and people still aren’t really sure if it’s real or if they can trust it. Love needs to be grounded in security and practicality.
You also have to question the programming we have inherited as women. Where did this idea of ‘women in love’ even come from? What? You want me to throw away my career, have your babies and surrender at your feet in abject poverty because we found love? Are you joking? Life is not a RomCom. Who’s going to take care of those kids and buy all their nappies? Who’s going to put food on the table? What kind of doom are you wishing upon yourself because you think it’s better to date or marry for love, only? Not today, Satan!
Now, with that said I would like to qualify my statements with a question. Are you a gold digger? That’s not a value or judgment laden question. I simply want you to consider your motives. Are you dating for money because you are lazy and have no aspirations of your own? Are you taking advantage of somebody? If that’s the case, I would offer you another kind of advice. Go get a job! It’ll be good for you. If you are pinning your entire financial security and wellbeing to another man, then the only thing you’re digging is an early grave. You are just on vacation - a guest in somebody’s fantasy - until they get bored with you or find a younger model.
What’s worse is that money is a transactional medium. You may think you’re getting all these things for free and it feels nice for now, but the bill will come eventually and you might not want to pay. That’s where something like love or friendship or taking a genuine interest in the person and investing in your time together will mean a lot somewhere down the line. Those things all add up to one of the most valuable assets in any relationship. Respect. If you see a man as an ATM you are objectifying him. You don’t respect him. Though it’s different in form, it’s not too dissimilar from him viewing you as nothing more than a sex object. He doesn’t respect you. So if you create this kind of relationship dynamic, it is very unhealthy and potentially dangerous. Don’t go there.
Is it wrong to turn a guy away because he didn’t have enough money? No, it’s not. You are allowed to weigh these things up in your mind. You shouldn’t feel shame in doing so, but if you haven’t taken the time to really look at the person, to see what his values are and if he is somebody who really honours and values you, or whether or not he is driven enough or has prospect or aspirations, then you will never know and you might just miss out on a good thing… but then again he could also be just that: hopes, dreams and aspirations. All talk and no walk. So my advice would be, don’t just look at the first page of the book. You might like the whole story. Take some time. Grow respect. Really see the person. And then be practical when considering longer-term life decisions and if it’s enough to keep something like love alive.
And lastly, know this - if you have a sharp mind, a great sense of humour, a beautiful body, good looks - these are all wonderful things. Don’t let them go to waste. And if you can use them to improve your station in life, then do that. It’s why nature gave them to you. To survive and thrive. Have no shame in flaunting these things to make your life better. Just don’t get caught in that trap of thinking that your entire worth as a human being is summed up by that one quality and that that’s all you have to trade on, because the problem starts when you objectify yourself. Your independence, financial and sexual freedom are of utmost importance!
Read Aunty Pearl’s Pearls of Wisdom on loving fashion, click here
