It’s easy to stay close with the buddies you can catch up with over dinner or spontaneously visit on a lazy Sunday. But a long-distance friendship doesn’t come with those built-in moments—and without the opportunity for consistent, IRL quality time, there’s a tendency to rely on scheduled Zooms and “just thinking of you” messages that can feel more forced than fun.
The good news: Distance doesn’t have to spell the end of your bond—just consider how many people move away from where they lived during their college years, say, or before starting a family. (Not to mention how a global pandemic turned remote interactions into more of a norm.) “Physical closeness isn’t a measure of emotional closeness,” Jerilyn Adams, LPC, a therapist based in Milwaukee, tells SELF. In fact, “the strongest relationships are between people who are willing to put in work despite the distance.
”Just a few small, intentional habits can make a world of difference in staying connected—even when you’re miles apart. Below, we’ve rounded up the best (and non-cliché) expert tips for maintaining a long-distance friendship.
1. Align on your communication habits.
There are no hard and fast rules—it’s all about your friendship’s unique vibe. Some people can go weeks with long stretches of silence, only to pick up right where they left off with a spontaneous FaceTime call. Others might benefit from the consistency of regular updates in order to feel valued.“Whatever the case, you and your friend should agree on some kind of rhythm and cadence,” Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a psychologist and friendship researcher based in Montreal, tells SELF. “It doesn’t have to be every day or week, but it’s important to figure out what's doable, realistic, and supportive.” Whether you explicitly ask, “Is it okay if we check in every week?” or agree to set up a recurring monthly placeholder in your calendar, setting those expectations can help you avoid misunderstandings and prevent your connection from fading over time.
2. Get creative with how you stay in touch.
On that note: Texts, calls, and emails aren’t the only ways to connect. Sending Instagram memes or news articles about your favorite celebrity drama, for example, might feel more authentic for your particular relationship than a simple “What’s new with you?” message. Or if you want a regular touchpoint but hate the idea of prescheduled, hour-long video calls, why not try body doubling? Do chores together over the phone or casually yap while cooking dinner—it’s a more relaxed way of keeping in touch without the awkwardness of staring at your computer for a virtual “meeting.”
3. Be specific with your check-ins.
“Hi, how’s life?” is a pretty generic and impersonal conversation starter that’s hard to respond to. A more meaningful approach: Check in about something specific. Did they recently land their dream job? Reach out and see how it’s been going. Maybe they just returned from an epic trip abroad—ask them about their favorite sights or if the destination was everything they hoped it would be.“This intentionality shows your friend that what’s important to them is also important to you and that you haven’t forgotten about them even when you’re busy with your own life,” Adams explains. Plus, it can spark that warm, Aw, they remembered! epiphany that makes your pal feel valued in ways a simple “How’ve you been?” can’t.
4. Adapt your old routines to match the new distance.
When you’re close by, familiar rituals can make your friendship feel naturally secure—whether you used to get ready together for fun-filled Saturday nights, or made it a weekly habit to grab drive-thru fast food and cruise around the neighborhood. Losing those in-person moments can leave you with a sense that something’s missing. With a bit of creativity, however, you can still capture those shared experiences from afar.If your bond was rooted in monthly book club sessions, for instance, keep that alive by agreeing to start that steamy romance novel together. Then, after a few chapters, call each other to swap thoughts, reviews, and spoilers. Or if you used to tackle errands together as college roomies, FaceTime while you’re at the laundromat or folding your clean clothes.
5. Or invent new ways to keep your relationship exciting.
Just as important as reviving familiar routines is introducing some novelty too. “By finding additional ways to grow together, your friendship will continue to thrive—and feel less like a stale, outdated version of something you once had,” Dr. Kirmayer says.Think about what experiences or hobbies resonate with you both: Maybe you can create a shared Pinterest board to collect dessert recipes, then replicate one each month. If you’re both obsessed with Emily in Paris, make it a joint learning opportunity to learn French with Duolingo. You can also enlist the help of interactive apps (like Board Game Arena) to shake things up. This way, you’re not holding onto the past—you’re actively growing your connection with new experiences too.
6. Don’t let them forget how much they mean to you.
It’s easy to assume that your bestie knows you value them. (You are reading this article, after all!) But taking the time to explicitly express your appreciation, even in subtle ways, can reassure them of how strong your connection is.
“There’s a widely held belief that it’s awkward to share how much we care about our friends,” Dr. Kirmayer says. A well-intentioned “You mean so much to me” can sometimes feel like a prelude to bad news, as if there’s an unspoken catch. “We often champion the importance of telling our romantic partners that we love them, and our friendships can benefit from that same type of open recognition too.
”This doesn’t mean you have to write cliché, sappy love letters or shower them with over-the-top praise. Small gestures—telling them you miss them after hearing a song that reminds you of them or casually showing gratitude when they check in (“I don’t say this enough, but I’m so happy to have you in my life”)—can be a much-needed reminder that they’re not just an afterthought: They’re a true priority.
“There’s real power in a friendship that has overcome physical distance and still come out stronger on the other side,” Dr. Kirmayer points out—and it’s something worth celebrating. As tedious as it can be to stay in sync across different zip codes or time zones, that very commitment is what makes these relationships some of the strongest. You’re both choosing to keep the connection alive, even when it’d be easier to let it fade.
Original article appeared on Self
