The Kardashian-Jenner gals are gaslighting America right now. Three women in the family — Khloé Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kylie Jenner — are reportedly expecting children. Kim confirmed she and Kanye are having another baby via surrogate, but Khloé and Kylie have kept mum about the other rumours. Instead, they’re carrying on with their routine glamorous lives — trips to the gym, selfies, photo shoots, large salads, etc. — and letting the world freak out about these maybe-babies. Their silence is driving everyone to an early grave, myself included. I normally care deeply about Kylie’s Lamborghini Snapchats, but now every time she posts one, I’m just like, “Are you pregnant, though?!” I know I’m not alone.
Kourtney Kardashian isn’t helping the situation, either. The eldest Kardashian-Jenner sister decided it’d be funny to joke that she’s also pregnant in a new interview with Grazia. The story opens with this quote from Kourtney: “I’m pregnant!”
She’s obviously joking — the writer clarifies that in the third paragraph of the piece — but let’s just think this through for a second. It’s 2017. We guarantee you 50 percent of the people who see the Grazia headline (“Kourtney Kardashian: ‘I’m Pregnant Too!'”) and the first line of the article will spiral out of control. Twitter will melt down. The Internet will shatter. Kim will spontaneously decide to throw her iPhone in the ocean. The world will descend further into madness because Kourtney thought it’d be cute to joke about being pregnant.
But, girl, our nerves are shot. I can’t spend more time thinking about Kylie and Khloé being pregnant. Will Kylie make her announcement on Snapchat? Will Khloé make hers at the gym? How will Kim’s song “Jam” be involved, if at all? My eye has been twitching for days. Now is not the time for jokes. Now is the time for a Keeping Up With the Kardashians super-cut trailer where Khloé and Kylie just say the word “pregnant” over and over. That will help America sleep soundly again.
Update: Kourtney Kardashian just set the record straight about her quotes, claiming they were taken out of context. “I see online that I said I was pregnant in an interview, but that was taken out of context,” she wrote on Twitter. “The interviewer asked me, ‘What’s a crazy rumour that you’ve heard about yourself?’ and my answer was… ‘I’ve heard that I am pregnant.'”