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He loves me, he loves me not

Text: Ali Murray and Hagen Engler; Photography: People Images

He loves me, he loves me notHow do you know if he loves you? The lyrics “you’ve got to show me love” have never been more true.

You don’t always necessarily know what the name of an emotion is. Just because it’s intense and overwhelming and confusing, doesn’t mean that it’s love. It could be exhilaration or joy or curiosity. Feelings can be deceptive. But actions speak louder than words.

No matter how you feel, partners should demonstrate the way they feel about you by the way they act and the way they treat you.

Love is action. It’s a form of physical communication. It involves learning your partner’s love language and then expressing love in the way that she or he understands it. (Need a more in-depth understanding of love languages? Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)

If you’re unsure if your partner actually loves you, or you’re uncertain whether you actually love him of her, look at the evidence. You can’t just go on your feelings.

If you’re really in love, there should be tangible proof. It’s logical. If you’re in love with someone, you’d want to show them, to prove it to them. This proof doesn’t have to be a diamond ring or a handbag. Evidence of someone’s love can be as simple as a genuine smile, gentle words, or a caress to the back of your neck… When you are treated with love, your heart feels it.

The first sign that your relationship needs support is when you start noticing that you’re just not having that much fun any longer. You’re not “feeling” your partner.

Here’s a simple analogy on communication, intimacy and fun in relationships: Fun is like a rich, succulent Maraschino cherry on top of a decadent chocolate cake. 

It is always easier and more fun just to fast-track to the romantic, fun part of the relationship, in order to bypass the hard conversations you may need to have to resolve issues. But it is vital for you to work on the whole cake and not just the cherries on top if you wish to sustain your relationship in the long term.

If the issues are not at a make-or-break point in the relationship, it is possible to work simultaneously on communication and on both problem-solving and fun in the relationship.

In life, all we have is time. Time to build on what we have, or time to tread water. So let’s get started.

If you feel like your relationship needs more help, you may want to consider counselling. For more of Ali’s books and DIY fixes, click here.

Relationships can be a minefield! Here are 15 things we wish they taught you in love school. Want to know more about Ali? Check out this article on rebooting your relationship.

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