Whether you’re a guest, bridesmaid or bride-to-be, Courtenay Carey, CEO of Joburg’s The School of Etiquette answers your tricky etiquette questions, so you can say goodbye to wedding drama for good.
If you’re a guest…
Is it ever OK to wear white to a wedding?
“I’ll answer this question with another question: ‘Do you have to wear white?’” says Courtenay. “There are plenty of other beautiful colours, so why choose one that has the potential to upstage the bride? And if you’re wearing a fabric like lace, definitely steer clear of bridal colours, or you will end up competing with the bride. Let the happy couple take centre stage – it’s their day after all.”
Is it rude to request a plus one?
“Yes,” advises Courtenay. “Use the invitation as a guide – if it’s addressed to you and a partner, then of course you can bring someone. But remember: weddings can be extremely expensive – no doubt the bride and groom are desperately trying to keep numbers down. Respect this and keep quiet if you haven’t been formally allocated a plus one. Really unhappy about going alone? Ask the bride or groom if they can seat you next to guests you already know, or someone who is outgoing and easy to chat to.”
If you’re a bridesmaid…
I hate my dress! Do I tell the bride?
“This is a tricky one: obviously you want to feel comfortable, but you need to remember that the wedding isn’t about you and how you look, but how you and your dress add to the overall feel and colour scheme,” explains Courtenay.
Just can’t stand the colour? “Sorry, but this is totally the bride’s call,” says Courtenay. Hate the style? If the dress isn’t a complete shocker, then you’re just going to have to grin and bear it. “But if you’re worried about something more serious – like if your dress is see-through or you run the risk of a major wardrobe malfunction – then speak up.” Just tread carefully: “Ask the bride if she’s OK with the risk of you flashing your underwear, rather than telling her that you hate the revealing cut or fabric,” advises Courtenay. That way, you’ve kept the conversation focused on what she wants. “And be sure to speak up at the beginning of the process, so you don’t waste the bride’s time or money – then she’ll probably be more open to accommodating your requests.”
I can’t stand the best man – should I say something?
“First, get an idea from the bride about how much you’ll actually have to be involved with the best man on the day,” suggests Courtenay. Chances are, it’ll be as simple as posing for a few pictures together, in a big group. If that’s all it is, then suck it up and do it. “If the bride expects you to coordinate aspects of the wedding with the best man, like gathering family members together for pictures, then gently let the bride know you and the best man don’t get on. You could say something like, ‘The best man and I don’t work well together, perhaps I can delegate this task to another bridesmaid, so that there are no hiccups on your wedding day?’ By suggesting an alternative that doesn’t leave the bride feeling unsupported, you’re less likely to upset her.”
If you’re the bride…
Is it rude to ask for cash gifts only?
“Etiquette dictates you should never discuss money or make a formal request for gifts on your wedding invitation. Rather, you should simply provide the channels through which guests might find gifts, for example a gift registry,” explains Courtenay. “If you don’t have a gift registry and are looking for cash instead, the ideal is to leave it off your invitation entirely and spread the word through friends and family, who may be contacted by guests enquiring about what they can give you.”
Sarah’s tip: if you’re determined to spell it out for guests like I was (Franz and I didn’t want people wasting time and money purchasing gifts we didn’t need), here’s what I did: I prefaced a request for money on our invitations with the assurance that we didn’t expect gifts at all. Our phrasing: ‘You being there is gift enough, but if you’d like to spoil the happy couple, money would be appreciated.’ This way, guests don’t feel as though they have to contribute financially, but we’ve gently nudged them in that direction if they are planning to give something.
I’ve got friends and extended family expecting an invitation, but they’re not going to get one – how do I handle this?
“If you’re talking about people you hardly ever see, you’re under less obligation to broach the subject with them directly,” advises Courtenay. “But for family and friends with whom it may become awkward, it’s best to deal with the issue head on. You could write a letter to each person, thanking them for their support in your life but explaining that your budget simply cannot accommodate a large party and that sadly you won’t be able to invite them to your wedding. They’ll appreciate the direct approach, and that you took the time to write.
“Another idea: why not host a small pre-wedding celebration at your parent’s house, where you can include distant family who aren’t invited to your formal wedding? Supplying a few drinks and nibbles for this will be cheaper than catering for them at your wedding, and they’ll still feel valued and included.”
I don’t have space to seat the whole family at the head table – how should I seat people so no one gets offended?
“Traditionally the head table isn’t specifically for family, but rather for your wedding party,” says Courtenay. “So this would include your parents, bridesmaids and groomsmen. If you don’t have space for this, then avoid offence by not having any family seated at the head table at all – that way they won’t feel like some members of the family have been prioritised over others. Instead, have a few ‘family’ tables in your seating plan, close to the head table. And these days, many brides don’t even have a formal head table, and prefer to mix the wedding party and family members with the rest of the guests across the tables. Another tip: don’t number your guests’ tables – name them. Not only is it more personal, but people won’t be able to assume that Table 1 is filled with more important people than Table 10, which can sometimes happen.”
Is it ever OK to split up couples on the seating plan?
“According to etiquette, couples who are engaged or have only been married a year should be seated next to one another, as they’re still in their ‘honeymoon’ phase,” explains Courtenay. “But for couples who have been together longer, it’s actually considered more polite to split them up – so that you avoid cliques of conversation forming on tables and excluding others. Seat these couples with one person in between them, so that they’re not totally isolated from one another.”
How do I politely say children aren’t invited?
“Be clear who you’re inviting on your invitation, so that guests have the right expectations from the outset,” says Courtenay. “A polite clause at the bottom of an invitation, such as ‘We regret no children’ is common these days, and generally well received. This allows parents to consider from the get-go that they’ll need to organise a babysitter.”
If a guest asks you why they can’t bring their kids, “be honest about your reasons, especially if it’s because it hikes up your costs or you’re having a wedding that won’t be family friendly,” advises Courtenay. Give specifics, such as ‘due to catering’ or ‘due to room capacity’ – most people are understanding when they know your reasoning. “But if you’re inviting out-of-town guests, consider organising a babysitter at your hotel or venue to care for their kids. Since they’re already paying to travel and stay over for your wedding, it might be tricky for them to do so without bringing their children,” warns Courtenay.
My mother-in-law is trying to take over – how do I deal?
“Find an aspect of the wedding that you’re happy to let her make some decisions over,” suggests Courtenay. “You could ask her to help you create the seating plan for her side of the family, for example. That way, she’ll feel included but you’ll be limiting how involved she can be in everything else.”
I’m worried one of my guests will get out of hand with the booze. What can I do?
“First up, be clever with your menu: ensure there is plenty of food served before the bar even opens, so that everyone has a full stomach, and ensure there’s water on every table,” advises Courtenay. “Then limit the kinds of drinks you’re serving: opt for beer, wine and cider rather than hard liquor like shooters.” (You’ll save big on bar costs, too.) Still worried? “Prep someone you trust – your MC or the best man – to take the guest aside if they’re drinking too much. Make sure you have someone else delegated to handle the situation, so that you don’t have to worry about it.”
Did you have a wedding-etiquette nightmare? Tweet us at @GLAMOUR_sa with #GLAMWedding to share.
Sarah Browning, 24, is the managing editor of GLAMOUR. She moved to SA from London three years ago and lives in Cape Town. In this #GLAMWedding Wedding Blog, Sarah’s sharing her wedding-planning journey with you. Join the conversation! Tweet your thoughts to Sarah via @GLAMOUR_sa using #GLAMWedding. To find out more about The School of Etiquette, click here.
Follow Sarah on Twitter: @sarahmbrowning
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